I am sitting here

in the same spot, on the same day, at the same time, with the same wrapping paper, even.

This was when my water broke exactly one year ago. I didn't know it was my water breaking at that time. I thought maybe it was, but I also thought I was just a hypochondriac crazy person. Then, later in the night there was a much much larger gush and I knew.

It all started a year ago. A year ago right now.

It's never good to live in the past, but I have to say, thinking back on this past year I think more good things have happened than bad things. I am so fortunate I don't even have the words to express it.

I am staring at Ike-a-saurus' perfect face as he smiles in his sleep and I think about how this time last year I was so scared and so fiercely trying to conjure that image – a healthy baby boy. My doctor never gave up on us. He refused to think negatively. Even when the perinatologist told me to terminate, my doctor called me himself, late that night, to tell me he was praying for me. And he told me to never give up hope. He said he was "cautiously optimistic" that things would be OK. Or kind of OK. And he would tell me that, over and over, up until the day Ike was born, and beyond.

Cautiously optimistic.

We are in a new realm of that now. A realm that most likely has nothing to do with Ike being premature – just a freak luck kind of thing, this trach. Some days it's so hard, but I have to always be "cautiously optimistic."

If this past year has taught me anything, it's that people are inherently good. Bad things can also mean good things. Sheer force of will is shockingly powerful. And I am lucky to have the friends that I have.

So, so lucky.

2 thoughts on “I am sitting here

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