You do not even know

they burn when they're closed
spiderwebs or lightning bolts
streak across my eyes

For some reason I haven't been able to sleep more than four hours at a time lately. I have tried making lists before I go to sleep. I have tried making lists when I wake up and want to go back to sleep. This will, theoretically, tame the jabbering in my head that won't let me settle down – at least that's what I tell myself. But it doesn't work.

I try covering my eyes so that the room stays dark, because going to bed at 4:30 am every night means I sleep when the sun is brightest in my room in the mornings. It doesn't work.

I try rescue remedy.

A pillow over my head.

Chanting a single word over and over.

And yet, after that first 4 hours, I cannot go back to sleep.

I'm sure part of it has to do with my schedule. Being the night nurse for Ike-a-saurus is something that I honestly love. But it takes a toll when I can't sleep in the mornings.

Staying up with him gives me time to myself, and gives me time to write and mull and plan. If we ever get a regular night nurse I will really miss these late nights with him. He snoozes, I administer nebs and meds and bottles, and I get a chance to write for a while. It reminds me of being in college. Except for the nebs and meds and bottles part. Writing in the dark while other people are zonked in a chair – that's the college part.

Even so, I have got to start sleeping.

Where for art thou, sleep? My burning eyeballs miss you.

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5 thoughts on “You do not even know

  1. I can’t honestly tell you that it is going to get better, After the 1st 15 or so years you will get into a rhythm. The late nights are the bonuses we get for having special guys in our lives. They have their own special rhythms and it takes us a while to acclamate to them. After a while you will be able to sit down and fall asleep at a blink of an eye no mater how much caffine has been consumed.
    It took me about 4 or 5 years to learn to nap when Eric naps, It is so contary to our other children, ie get as much done as possible while they sleep. Don’t try to force sleep, it will come when you need it. I also find that yoga helps to relax me, just be prepared to fall alseep on the floor sometimes.
    Been there and still doing that. feel free to e-mail me. Your blog is great.
    It looks like Eric is handling his night feeding, so it is time to add the rest of the nutren to the kangroo and try to sleep.

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  2. Maybe it’s your body telling you that’s all the sleep you need, even if you are tired and it is only 4 hours a night/day. Don’t mess with your circadian rhythm.

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  3. I would tape cardboard over the windows–that’s what we did when our baby was born because we were sleeping such crazy hours. It doesn’t look pretty, but it does the job!

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