Trip prep!

and my teeth are chattering
getting packed, ready

We're leaving on Sunday. My husband has spent all day on the phone with the airline, the hotel, the medical supply companies, the milk bank, the hospital, and more. I have spent all day wandering around in a kind of fog, trying not to be too freaked out. We're going to have at least 6 carry-on bags and all of them will violate a TSA rule of some sort. We have doctor's letters that should help us get through security, and we've notified the airline, but it still makes me nervous.

As you can see, I've been extraordinarily helpful.

But if I can sit on the couch and fuss over Ike-a-saurus, rather than shouting things at my husband while he's on the phone, then maybe that's helpful, right?

One thing I've done, though, that's helped a lot, is to test out the Xanax.

Oh yes, you laugh, But I'm serious. I've never taken it before, and I tend to not do well with tranquilizing type drugs. I have this superpower to fight them. So that even Ambien and Stadol (not at the same time, yikes) can't even fully knock me out. They make me loopy and nauseous. And they make me feel like I'm drowning and/or suffocating and/or falling from a really tall building. But they don't make me very restful.

So I was hopeful, but skeptical when I got my prescription for Xanax. I broke one in half and tested it out the other night. Much to my delight, it didn't seem to do much at all. I felt vaguely drowsy, I stared at my pants for like ten minutes, I realized I had been staring at my pants for ten minutes, and then I went to bed. I woke up precisely four hours later, then fell back to sleep. The next day I was the most rested I have been in months.

Xanax win!

I'm not sure if there will be a time during the trip when I can allow myself to sleep, but at least now I know if I really start to lose my shit, I have a plan.

I am going to try really hard not to lose my shit, though. My husband has been shouldering too much of the burden lately, while I wallow in a self-imposed aloneness. I need to snap out of that and help more. Sitting around, wringing my hands, and working myself into a frenzied rat king state of "what-ifs" is not healthy and I need to quit it. 

There's just so much riding on this trip. Yet that seems secondary to the worry I have for Ike-a-saurus going through all of these procedures so many days in a row. Three mornings of fasting, two mornings of being anesthetized. Plus, scopes and scans and images and biopsies and something called a "lung wash" that sounds unpleasant to say the least (at least he'll be asleep for that). So many strangers messing with him, and even though my husband and I will be right there with him to comfort him, it physically hurts me to know that he will hurt. He will be scared. He won't understand what's going on.

See there? I'm doing it again… working myself into a rat king frenzy. No Xanax tonight, though. Just some Advil and laundry. Talk about a sedative effect.

11 thoughts on “Trip prep!

  1. the anticipation of the flight and these unknown procedures is horrible. but keep thinking positively that it will produce great results for Ike. keep strong! kiss your awesome husband and little ones. you can do this!


  2. I’m getting into a frenzy just reading your post. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Yes, it will be frightening and stressful for all of you, that is true. But try very hard not to focus on that part. Focus only on what you can control, like comforting and loving Ike. You’ll be in good hands, and everyone is working to make life better for Ike and all of you. Focus on the good stuff, if you possibly can. And throw in the Xanax for good measure. You’re all in my thoughts and prayers.


  3. Ike will be scared at times, but he’ll always remember that you came and “rescued” him afterwards 🙂
    And for each of the what if’s that may occur, I believe you will do your best to do what’s needed to fix it or what’s needed to move on to the next thing.
    I’ll do my best to send calm thoughts!


  4. I can completely imagine the frenzy and stress that this trip could bring on. I wish we could each take a little piece of the worry and stress, so none was leftover for you.
    Know that you have lots of people wishing, hoping, and praying for you.
    Years from now, you and Ike and the whole family will look back on this and think, “Thank God that’s over!” (Well, Ike probably won’t remember any of it, but you could consider telling him that he has already used up all his “Gray-Hair-Causing” points so he has to be a very well-behaved teen. Good luck with that).
    Anyway, do whatever it takes to get through this. Xanax, chocolate doughnuts, a margarita, a pitcher of margaritas, whatever. And, remember, if anyone can do this, you guys can. Go Team Ike!


  5. cheez. reading all these comments is making ME start to freak out. I’m sending positive thoughts. Plus, I’m doing work for Dell in Sept in Austin so maybe I can buy you a drink. With a xanax chaser. Which you won’t need by then. Best wishes! And you can read about the eating of the placenta on my blog some other day!


  6. Maybe if you lose your shit in your pants, you won’t have a hard time getting through security. Try to get Ike to do it at the same time. Don’t forget to talk in haiku. They like that.


  7. Hang in there Kari et al!
    we are all pulling for you. Have been since the beginning. will be forever.
    from all over vast continents and countries.


  8. wishing you all luck for your trip – there’s no pretending it will be fun but it will be worth it no matter what the outcome.
    maybe strange to say but i am impressed that you took the xanax! i’ve always been too scared to and so just keep it in my handbag (for nearly 2 years now!!) 😀


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