Dear dude with like 27 items in the 10 item lane,

I'm wondering if you've seen those commercials where someone does something nice for someone else, and this causes a passer-by to be nice to someone, because, I don't know, not being an asshole is contagious?

Have you seen these?

Well, today you showed me the Bizarro World version of those commercials. You dragged over your 27 items and laid them all out carefully onto the 10 item conveyor belt thing. You laid them out so slow, I think you might have been taunting all of us in line behind you. I could see all of our heads slightly bobbing in unison as we counted your many, many items. I watched the checkout girl clench her jaw as she swiped your olives and organics over the laser thing.

Then, I watched the lady in front of me huffily unload her items. She put them on the conveyor belt thing and then left her empty cart right there in line. Right there. She didn't even move it out of the way. Just abandoned it in the middle of the line.

I blame this on you, DWL27IIT10IL. You turned that lady into an asshole with your own assholery.

And then it was my turn. I bought my scant amount of overpriced fruit and caught myself glaring at the poor checkout girl. I was full on squinting at her like she had just peed on my car tire.

She hadn't peed on anything, DWL27IIT10IL. She was just doing her job.

It isn't her fault that she has a bouncy Sookie Stackhouse ponytail and infuriatingly white teeth. Or maybe it is. But I still shouldn't glare at her like that.

You Bizarro Worlded our line, DWL27IIT10IL, with your stupid groceries aplenty. Next time, mind the contagious assholery, OK?

Maybe if you paid attention to lame TV commercials, you would know better.


concerned purchaser of quinoa salad, who does not need to be reminded that A) lots of people are assholes and B) she will never have a bouncy Sookie Stackhouse ponytail

4 thoughts on “Dear dude with like 27 items in the 10 item lane,

  1. I heart you, KA Roy (Holt). I really, really do. You make me laugh out loud. And I needed a laugh today. So, thanks.
    P.S. My oldest son and I are reading Mike Stellar out loud together, one chapter at a time. Every night he says, “Please, Mommy. One more chapter tonight. Please!” We are loving the book. I’ll be sad when it’s over.


  2. I witnessed a similar phenomena today, the infamous
    I don’t know how to merge so I’m going to fuck it up for all of you, Manor entrance to the 35 North-style.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s