Things I have learned from the swine flu:

1. You'll never know if you actually have the swine flu because no one will send the test off for it. Well, you might know if you are dead, because they test post-mortem.

2. The ER and our pediatrician said all type A flu in Austin right now is H1N1 because there is no seasonal flu yet, so I guess 1 doesn't matter.

3. Boy howdy am I tired

4. Boy howdy has it made Ike-a-saurus puke a lot (the flu, not me being tired)

5. We are going through oxygen tanks like they're, uh, oxygen. Those tiny little lungs are not pleased with the swine situation right now.

6. When you have home nursing care, it's required for your case manager to make a visit to your house no later than 48 hours after a hospitalization. When your case manager arrives, she will gown up and mask herself in the parking spot by the house, so that all the neighbors come out on their porches to go W. T. F.

7. The dude mowing his lawn will go inside when he sees 6.

8. You will laugh at how funny and alarming 6 is, and take secret pictures (as seen in exhibit A below)

9. You will wonder if someone is going to put a quarantine sign on your front door

10. Mostly, you will want to take a lot of tylenol

11. And naps. You'll want those, too.

12. Pedialyte, thickened to nectar consistency looks like candle oil

13. Not everyone with the Swine gets a fever

14. And, yet, I can't stop sweating

15. They make tiny, tiny, baby-sized surgical masks

16. It's a good thing Clorox has that bleach spray stuff, so we don't have to get all Velveteen rabbit up in here

17. We are the first "flu family" our nursing agency has had so far. WHERE IS OUR DAMN PRIZE?

18. Cross-contamination with our primary nurse, FTW. At least she could still come this week.

19. Cross-contamination with our night nurse, FTL. She wasn't allowed to come this week.

20. I know. Confusing.

21. Hospitals? Still suck.

22. The Emmy's are on Sunday to cheer us all up.

23. Should 22 be a joke? I'm totally serious. If everyone is up to snuff around here, I'm going to liveblog the shit out of that show.

24. Imma let you finish, but this list is getting out of hand

25. What?

26. Tamiflu makes Ike-a-saurus a) sleep so heavily he doesn't breathe right b) stare into space with his mouth open c) cry randomly. Same side effects as methadone. Fun!

27. Tamiflu make me say things like, "The vice principal of your school is the sheriff and the principal is like the parent. I mean like the principal. I mean the parent. I mean the president."

28. There is no 28

29. Avoid the children's hospital ER at all costs. Seriously, I expected goats and chickens to be milling around. Hooray for trachs earning you priority. Well, and ambulances earn you priority, too.

30. Swine flu is too tiny to punch in the dick. But if I could find it, I would totally punch it in the dick.

******

Exhibit A:

Quarantine

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8 thoughts on “Things I have learned from the swine flu:

  1. The first rule of Swine Flu is: you do not talk about Swine Flu. The second rule of Swine Flu is: you DO NOT talk about Swine Flu.
    I hope y’all are coping. I can’t even imagine how stressful this is. Anti-H1N1 thoughts be with you!

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  2. Oh Kari! I hope the Tamiflu helps. Because they wouldn’t test us for Swine Flu, they also didn’t offer us any Tamiflu, and it took us 56 days to kick it. Well, if in fact no one else gets any more relapses.
    And yes, tired as hell doesn’t even begin to explain it. And thirsty as hell. I have never been so thirsty in my life. And sweaty. The sweat smelled sour. But mostly, I was so tired I wanted to lay down and die. And getting up out of bed for *anything* made me short of breath. Because moving is too much when you are that tired.

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  3. I’m gonna kick some swine flu dick. Do Da Do Da
    I’m gonna kick some swine flu dick. O De Do Da Day
    Doing a swine flu dick kicking jig for you over at our house.

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  4. “Swine flu is too tiny to punch in the dick. But if I could find it, I would totally punch it in the dick.” I may have just peed my pants a little. I’ll never tell, but still I may have. Hysterical.
    In all nonpeeing seriousness, I hope everyone gets rested, well and back to themselves in short order.

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  5. Holy Shyte! You guys are my heroes.
    Tell me that this means that once you all kick the Swine Flu (squarely in its tiny dick), that you will have Aporkalypse immunity for the rest of the season. That is the only silver lining I can think of right now. I know, right now, that’s probably not good enough to be an actual silver lining. Maybe a a cheaply silver-plated lining.
    Hang in there, try to get some rest. And Ike, as always- such a champ!
    By the way, Getting a picture of your case worker gowning up outside your house = awesome.

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