1. You'll never know if you actually have the swine flu because no one will send the test off for it. Well, you might know if you are dead, because they test post-mortem.
2. The ER and our pediatrician said all type A flu in Austin right now is H1N1 because there is no seasonal flu yet, so I guess 1 doesn't matter.
3. Boy howdy am I tired
4. Boy howdy has it made Ike-a-saurus puke a lot (the flu, not me being tired)
5. We are going through oxygen tanks like they're, uh, oxygen. Those tiny little lungs are not pleased with the swine situation right now.
6. When you have home nursing care, it's required for your case manager to make a visit to your house no later than 48 hours after a hospitalization. When your case manager arrives, she will gown up and mask herself in the parking spot by the house, so that all the neighbors come out on their porches to go W. T. F.
7. The dude mowing his lawn will go inside when he sees 6.
8. You will laugh at how funny and alarming 6 is, and take secret pictures (as seen in exhibit A below)
9. You will wonder if someone is going to put a quarantine sign on your front door
10. Mostly, you will want to take a lot of tylenol
11. And naps. You'll want those, too.
12. Pedialyte, thickened to nectar consistency looks like candle oil
13. Not everyone with the Swine gets a fever
14. And, yet, I can't stop sweating
15. They make tiny, tiny, baby-sized surgical masks
16. It's a good thing Clorox has that bleach spray stuff, so we don't have to get all Velveteen rabbit up in here
17. We are the first "flu family" our nursing agency has had so far. WHERE IS OUR DAMN PRIZE?
18. Cross-contamination with our primary nurse, FTW. At least she could still come this week.
19. Cross-contamination with our night nurse, FTL. She wasn't allowed to come this week.
20. I know. Confusing.
21. Hospitals? Still suck.
22. The Emmy's are on Sunday to cheer us all up.
23. Should 22 be a joke? I'm totally serious. If everyone is up to snuff around here, I'm going to liveblog the shit out of that show.
24. Imma let you finish, but this list is getting out of hand
26. Tamiflu makes Ike-a-saurus a) sleep so heavily he doesn't breathe right b) stare into space with his mouth open c) cry randomly. Same side effects as methadone. Fun!
27. Tamiflu make me say things like, "The vice principal of your school is the sheriff and the principal is like the parent. I mean like the principal. I mean the parent. I mean the president."
28. There is no 28
29. Avoid the children's hospital ER at all costs. Seriously, I expected goats and chickens to be milling around. Hooray for trachs earning you priority. Well, and ambulances earn you priority, too.
30. Swine flu is too tiny to punch in the dick. But if I could find it, I would totally punch it in the dick.