Liveblogging the Emmy’s!

6:19: Don't worry, they haven't started yet. I'm just popping in to warn you: Football is running long. (Surprise!) I don't know if this means the show's start will be delayed, but if so… awesome. That means the Emmy's and my kids' bedtime schedule will be in sync.

6:22: If the show isn't delayed, the liveblogging will be. Must not abuse my swine flu-riddled husband by forcing him to put the kids to bed on his own. (Yes, even my cold black heart is not THAT evil.)

6:24: Never fear, though, through the powers of TiVo I will be caught up to you all in no time.

6:30: And because my warm-up act involves prescription drugs and reading Jon Scieszka, we will all be happy in the end.

6:31: See you soon. Go find yourself some Cheetos and give your self-respect the night off. Woo!

7:02: It's starting on time! Hey, how fantastic that NPH's face is a billboard for Bare Escentuals.

7:08: Family Guy makes me want to stab people

7:12: Tiny, tiny, Kristin Chenowith wins for Pushing Daisies! She is the same size as the Emmy. She makes Tina Fey look like the BFG. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

7:26: Just finished frantically putting the kids to bed. Will they stay? Probably as likely as Battlestar winning the directing Emmy.

7:28: All these boy writers. Hilarious? Yes. Making me want to be a boy? Yes. Wait. They should make me want to kick ass as a girl. When I'm done writing lame blog posts, I'm totally going to get on that.

7:31: I will never get tired of NPH's "what was that? where am I? what?" look.

7:32: Oh shit, you guys, Kevin Dillon is going to be hitting someone in the face tonight.

7:34: Oh, and here's an idea: Maybe if the Emmy producers want more people to watch, they should stop giving awards to Two and a Half Men.

7:38: Toni Collette is channeling some bronzed Skeletor tonight. Bronzed Skeletor. Sounds like something I ordered at Red Lobster last time I was there.

7:42: Weirdly, Leighton seems to have boobies on her shoulders. And Blake seems to have boobies everywhere.

7:43: Kanye joke #2. Take a shot!

7:46: And I'm caught up. This means I can't fast forward through all of the horrible things Lyrica can do to you.

7:52: The way Alec Baldwin is talking about how awesome producers are, it makes me want my own producer. Can stay-at-home mom writers have a producer? I promise to feature you in my evening credits. Just email me.

7:54: I will never think Seth McFarlane is funny. I have some kind of mental block. It's like he's a friend of the family, who comes to Christmas and makes fun of you to your face, but in a way that makes people think you're an asshole when you don't laugh.

7:56: Playing Britney during the Reality montage? Meta!

7:59: Wouldn't it be great if, just like they're having this dance thing from Dancing with the Stars, they also had live snippets of other reality shows? Like the Amazing Race people would have to come milk a goat and run the milk up a hill. Project Runway folks would have to make a very quick skirt out of Emmy ballots and bags of silicone.

8:01: Do you think Jeff Probst's dimples are like Mary Poppin's magic bag? Maybe his wife never needs to bring a purse anywhere, because he can just stash her lipstick and tampons in his dimples.

8:08: Oh, Amazing Race, Phil. Can I meet you at the mat? (When you stop dressing like a foppish undertaker, that is.)

8:09: Movies and Miniseries time. Potty if you gotta.

8:11: I just want to say, all three children have awakened at least once since I started this. Bad omen for the Battlestar Emmy, you guys.

8:13: Is anyone more beautiful than Shoreh Agdashloo? Does anyone spell that right the first time?

8:15: Is it wrong that I am hotly anticipating Drew Barrymore winning so that I can hear what the PC guy makes up about her?

8:16: Kanye joke #3. Take a shot!

8:17: Holy shit, you guys. Stunt women give you organs when you need them? I need a stunt woman AND a producer. Is there a stunt woman out there with a fully functioning trachea she could hook us up with? That would be rad.

8:23: Kate Walsh has bad, bad hair. What happened there? Too much conditioner? I just threw some barrettes at the TV, hoping a Pleasantville/Last Action Hero type thing would happen, and she would be saved. Alas.

8:26: It is unfortunate the Patricia Arquette wore a sparkly shoebox, accessorized with Season Nine Scully hair. But not as unfortunate as the floppy slo-mo boobies in front of me right now. The require sound effects. Which you can't hear me making right now. Too bad.

8:30: That man's name is mendick? No way!

8:32: Dr. Horrible hijack FTW!

8:33: Do you really think Alec Baldwin woke up this morning and was all, "I can't WAIT to wear a lilac tie!!!111!!"?

8:35: If Drew gets up onstage and makes out with Jessica Lange, I will not be surprised.

8:36: "Drew Barrymore's great great heart" = "Drew Barrymore's Judy Garland Trailmix"

8:39: Hey Sprint guy, you should be peenalized for saying peenalized.

8:43: The lady who is up on stage right now wearing grey and brown and looking shiny but very happy… That would be me if I was ever onstage. Poorly dressed, sweating profusely, and quite pleased with myself.

8:49: Was briefly mesmerized by the variety montage. Shiny! Fireworks! Anyone still there?

8:51: Have you noticed that like half of the Emmy winners tonight have accents from countries other than the US?

8:54: again! All the writers nominated are boys! Well, most of them. It's not like I'm bitter or anything. At least my genitalia is prettier than theirs. Probably.

8:58: Note to commercial makers: Anthropomorphized snot is grosser than real snot. If you showed me real snot on TV, I would be less grossed out. Snot doesn't need a face. Just like toenail fungus doesn't need a face. None of these things need faces. Snot ≠ pork pie hat and teeth.

9:02: Hi there, Muppets, it's nice to see you! If Justin Timberlake had his hand up your ass, you would totally win.

9:06: Did Ricky Gervais just say cock-up? If not, I am hallucinating again. But that's cool. I don't mind hallucinating British curse words. I am projecting tourettes. Is that a thing?

9:11: In case you were wondering, Ike-a-saurus has the exact same shaped head as LL Cool J.

9:12: I think the grammar or something has gone awry with that last sentence up there. Can I say he has the samely shaped head? That's not right. "Similarly shaped head" sounds too waspy and uptight. It is a conundrum trying to properly compare Ike's head to LL Cool J's head.

9:16: Right when the drama montage started, a trach fell off the wall and made me jump. Can anyone else in the world say that?

9:18: BSG shout out! BSG shout out! True Blood shout out! True Blood shout out!

9:19: Oh shit, you guys, LL Cool J is dressed like snot!

9:20: Note: I am not married to Michael Emerson, even though he just called me his wife.

9:22: I find it stunning that Grey's Anatomy is still considered a drama.

9:23: Wow. How fit is Cherry Jones? I wish she would come and body slam Sarah McLachlan. No offense, in Memoriam folks.

9:28: Every time I hear that the all new Ford Taurus has a sync system I think, awesome! I can wash my hands in the car now!

9:30: Also? People wearing unitards, dressed as lotion droplets? Not a fan. Points for creativity, I guess. And I'd like to see the dancers' resumes. "2009 – unitard wearing lotion droplet in Vaseline commercial"

9:35: Did you see that? Girl writers! Winning stuff!

9:38: Ironically winning for a show that I stopped watching because I didn't like how the women were portrayed. Ha!

9:41: Oh no, G
lenn Close is getting all self-importanty about Hollywood. But then she thanked writers. And Ted and Bill, whoever they are. But not Wolverine for air-conditioning her dress.

9:45: The Oxy Clean commercial has wonky color. Unless the dirt on a baseball field really IS the color of infant poop.

9:49: Bryan Cranston looks nice with his head shaved like that. It makes me forgive him for just saying "cinderfella."

9:54: Yay 30 Rock! Sorry for the pause there. Our night nurse just got here. Can I get a WOO HOO? WOO HOO.

10:07: And we're done! Both with the Emmy's and with my report to the nurse. NPH and his cute white suit jacket did a swell job tonight. So did Ike, staying on only 2 liters of o2. Now I'm in this weird live blog state of mind. I feel like I should live blog the news. live blog my snack. Live blog Ike freaking out right now. or maybe I should go sit with him. Good night!

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