Dear Swine Flu, You Asshole, Again,

Hello. I know I already wrote you a Dear, Swine Flu, You Asshole letter, but I thought it would be nice to follow up. Cool? Cool.

Listen, I know we've said some harsh things to each other. And I know, at the time, we meant them. You meant to make my trach baby as sick as possible and laugh in our germophobe faces, and I meant it when I said I want to punch you in your tiny dick.

There's no denying we aren't friends. However, I'm a little worried about you.

I know that sounds weird, but really, how is your state of mind these days? I feel a little bad because our family was able to kick your ass with so much more vigor than you were able to kick ours. I mean, at first you definitely had the upper hand. I'll give you that. Making me rush my baby to the hospital via ambulance in the middle of the night because he's unresponsive gives you some points. Asshole points, but points.

Having the pediatrician tell me that we are the worst case their practice has seen of the flu to date… gives you more asshole points.

Having my little dude be one of only a handful of people in town who have been hospitalized because of you – even more points.

And yet, he was only in the hospital for two days. And not even in the picu. BURN.

The other two kids had it and were only sick for a couple of days. BURN.

The pediatrician is telling all the freaked out moms not to worry because if his former 28-week preemie trach baby patient can be OK, their kids should be fine. BURN.

And so, while it seemed like you had the upper hand there for a few days, and I was busy freaking out in the hospital with Ike-a-saurus, we were actually teaming up to defeat your ass. How about that? Sneak attack!

I know your ego must be in shambles right now, and I feel for you, I really do. Or maybe I do. Or really, no. No I don't. But still. I just want to make sure there are no hard feelings. Please do not think you have to prove anything by causing a relapse or mutating or any of that mess. Please just move along. There's nothing to see here anymore. No one left to infect. You tried your best, you gave us a run for our money, and we prevailed.

Suck it!

But I mean that in the nicest possible way.

I was also wondering if you could spread the word to your friends "RSV" and "Seasonal Flu" and "Parainfluenza" and "Viral Pneumonia" and all those other beasties you hang out with. Can you please tell them the embarrassing ass-whopping they face if they dare to come into this house? I would appreciate it.

Now tuck your hemagglutinin between your legs and scurry away from here. We are done with you. I will lob nasty language and threats at other germs now.

Be gone, swine flu! And take your damn aporkalpse with you.

Sincerely,

Kari
concerned mother

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9 thoughts on “Dear Swine Flu, You Asshole, Again,

  1. I was at the doctor on Thursday and he told me that the swine flu is actually less severe and lasts for a short duration than the normal seasonal flu. The flu sucks no matter what kind you get, but I think this swine flu has been a bit hyped up.

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  2. First outburst of laughter in a few days. Wow. You are one amazing and funny woman. So glad you kicked SF’s ass and punched it in the dick. I’m pretty sure the message is getting out to the other “beasties” as well. You guys rule and no way no how is any other little effed up scrubby green/blue/red/purple whatever the hell color bad germs are–black and brown and ecru? Who knows. But they sure the hell aren’t coming around your place. Go ahead and blow the smoke out of the barrel (metaphorically speaking b/c the only heat your packin’ is the heat produced by the thousand strings of your heart). Good on ya mama, papa, and kids and Ike-a-saurus–you’re our hero. You told ’em.

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  3. LOL… it sounds like it’s mutated already, to be LESS BAD than the seasonal flu. In New York this spring it really was worse, but I heard its weaker than the regular flu right now in Seattle (where two of my nephews have it), too. Dare we say yet that the Aporkalypse was a bust?? Woo-hoo!

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  4. This is THE funniest Swine Flu commentary and life story that I have read. Sure beats those “oink oink” jokes to the ground.
    Glad to hear that Ike kicked the bottom of the piggy flu!

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  5. Ha! Kari-you are hilarious! So glad everyone is ok!! We’re sporting our Ike shirts over here in Griffin, sending you all healthy vibes and love! Miss u all ( :

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  6. my boys just got over swine flu too. they were pretty sick for about a week, but had no complications–just the fever and some congestion. glad you all beat the swine flu’s butt. take care and thanks for your great sense of humor.

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