The post in which I lament my white hair

abominable
this should describe a snow man
not my shining head

It was pointed out to me today that when I stand in the sunlight my hair has a silver quality to it. I was all, "An otherworldly silver quality? Like a mysterious young writer who, after she was struck by lightning, could time travel kind of quality?" I was answered with, "Just, I don't know, like old lady silver."

Awesome.

I would like to point out that I am 33. And sure, this past year and a half or so has stressed me out, but still. Silver before I'm 35? Suck it, melanin!

It's like I have this one last defense against being completely silver. It's a weathered shield of auburn hair that sits on top of the granny hair. But my last defense is turning on me. And when I do something like pull my hair back in barrettes, you better jump back. All up under there is enough silver to take my noggin to the Antiques Roadshow and impress the shit out of some nerds.

So what to do? I have experimented with semi-permanent color in the past. My awesome stylist dude made it look great. But now he's off gallivanting around styling famous people's hair for movies and TV shows and I am left channeling Heloise.

I don't have enough money to find a new fancy hair guy, but I DO have enough money to raid the hair care aisle at Target. If I decide to go through with coloring my own hair, though, I should probably videoblog it. I can only foresee explosions and destruction coming from this. Remember when I tried to cook the ham and it resulted in a huge explosion? That was JUST A HAM. Ham, dish, oven… kablooey. This is my HAIR. And CHEMICALS. And a requirement of wearing gloves that will be too big for my hands. And there will be a stopwatch involved, probably, and I lose track of time so easily.

It is a scary prospect.

But is it scarier than being silver-headed at 33?

Is it scarier than the idea of someone asking me if I'm dropping my grandson off at school?

Is it scarier than trying to match Chuck Taylors, a Modest Mouse shirt, and non-ironic hair color?

Is it scarier than having people think I am my husband's elderly sister?

No. No it is not.

So prepare yourselves. I may not be brave enough to vlog it. (I am not even brave enough to say "vlog." What a horrifying word.) But I might just liveblog it.

Please don't let my head explode like a ham. Please, please.

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12 thoughts on “The post in which I lament my white hair

  1. If I were closer, I’d do it for you– been doing it myself for a long time!! I started going grey in my early 20’s — (suck it genetics!), but that bottle makes it all better (hair color, not booze, but booze would work too!) : )

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  2. You get it from your white-haired dad, who got it from his white-haired dad, both turning white in their 30s. Of course, I could blame it on having two daughters, too …

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  3. I’ve never dyed my own hair but I’ve had female roomates till the age of 29. So I am telling you – invite a friend over to assist! Make it girl time! My hair coloring friends never dyed their hair alone. Perhaps it helps to have someone man the clock or mix those chemicals up just right. But for your first time – get help!
    And BTW, I’ve been greying since 24. Ugh….

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  4. Just don’t read the part of the hair dye instructions where it tells you that, after you mix up the solution, you shouldn’t leave it sitting around in the bottle or it might…explode. Because you don’t want to add any power of suggestion to the mix.
    (Clairol Herbal Essences. Semi-permanent. Even if it kind of sucks it will wash out in a month. Seriously.)

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  5. Revlon Colorsilk – It’s so easy and only $2.99! Believe me, I speak as one who has had the hair disaster at home and had to get the girls to call their hairdresser friend to come to my house at 10:00 at night for emergency repairs! But this – I do myself with no problems!!

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  6. I have tried the color in a box a few times and after one time gone wrong I reverted to always letting someone else do it. I have found Avenue Five Institute here in Austin and they are great and cheap. It is a “beauty school” but none like I have ever seen before (looks like a high end spa). And don’t even get me started on their $30-90 minute facials. Ahhhh. And luckily if for some reason things go horribly wrong there, they fix it for you. ; )
    http://www.avenuefive.com/

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  7. I second the Colorsilk! I’m 32 and have had random white hairs since I was 13. Darn my celtic ancestors. Just read the directions and remember to do the allergy test.

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