Dear People Who Comment on the Statesman Website,

I didn't even know you could get an internet connection on a high horse! That's awesome!

And I guess it must be pretty hard to type while your horse is bounding through Everyone But Me Is An A-Hole-ville. That must explain all the typos, huh? I'm bounsing my nees rihgt now to try and simulayt a horseride nad your tottaly rihgt. It is hrad to tipe!

I can also see how spell check is next to impossible. I mean, it's probably hard to proofread the things you type when you're so busy taking in all of the perfectly landscaped, HOA-approved Everyone But Me Is An A-Hole-ville scenery. All of those well-conditioned gainfully employed people riding on their equally gorgeous high horses. Never talking on their mobile phones while they ride their horses, never riding their horses in the left lane, never finding themselves late to their non-superfluous, recession-proof jobs, always cleaning the microwaves when they're done cooking scent-free popcorn for their afternoon snack, never using public funds to do unmentionable things like feed or medicate their children… that's a lot to pay attention to! Who needs spelling?!

It's just amazingly unselfish of you to try to convince the rest of us how fantastic it is to live in Everyone But Me Is An A-hole-ville. Of course you're trying to protect us from ourselves. We've been so busy staggering around under the weight of our ridiculous social responsibilities and spell check applications, we hardly have time to notice that when your horses get excited they have little lavender-scented rainbow sharts. (So THAT'S what's on my computer screen?!)

Thanks for the lesson, People Who Comment On The Statesman Website. I must spend less time cleaning your high horse sharts off my computer, and more time… uh… seeking out my very own horse with wifi and no spell check? Trying to get a passport into Everyone But Me Is An A-Hole-ville?

I will totally get on that as soon as I have the kind of recession-proof job that allows me to spend the entire day on my computer posting anonymously to local newspaper message boards.

I will get.on.that.

In the meantime, don't let your horse get spooked by the cloven-hooved rat bastards who live in Actual World-ville. I hear they can be kind of grouchy. And also, they have spell check.

Concerned Citizen

11 thoughts on “Dear People Who Comment on the Statesman Website,

  1. Totally agree! I’ve had to force myself to stop reading comments on Statesman because they ALWAYS just #*%&$ piss me off!


  2. Yeah, Statesman commenters appear to be the smartest, most truthful, most upstanding citizens ever. And the most judgmental. It must be difficult for them to be surrounded by so much stupid.


  3. You are my hero! Can you post a link to the comments to which you are referring? I want to hate these people, too. I must read their non-spell checked comments.
    I have found, in general, that folks who comment in the newspaper, whether on-line or in the actual newspaper, are IDIOTS. And they have way too much time on their hands if they can post their non-spell checked comments.


  4. My MIL sends us crap from the letters to the editor from the Little Rock paper. EVERY week. Cuz you know those folks, also, know whereas they speak (or type). They KNOW. and the rest of us DO NOT. I didn’t realize that I didn’t know or maybe just don’t have time to know or -wait!- I got it. I just don’t give a rat’s ass what they have to say! AssHOLES. Why do people feel compelled? WHY?


  5. Oh my goodness, I snorted several times while reading πŸ™‚ You really should send this to @robquig & @omarg πŸ™‚


  6. > I can also see how spell check is
    > next to impossible. I
    There is a good spell check program Spell Check Anywhere (SpellCheckAnywhere.Com). It works in all programs, including blogs and articles. It comes with an optional grammar check.


  7. Hilarious post! Strangely, the craziest comments seem to appear on our weather blog.
    Check this one out:
    On a serious note, we’re always thinking about ways to make the comments more productive, and to surface good comments while burying bad ones.
    Robert Quigley
    Social media editor
    Austin American-Statesman


  8. Thank you for writing this! I find myself responding, and then I think, does this make me someone who lives in A-hole-ville? I’ve never seen so much superficial hostility, consistently, as in people who respond to the A-AS. Maybe A-AS Needs to look at the quality of the content/reporting, as opposed to the quality of the comments? Or how they market?The drivel that consistently is posted in the comments aren’t representative and are downright depressing if you can’t get up the energy to laugh it off.


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