Helpful advice

To the person who just found my blog by searching "infant spaghetti stuck nose" I say, take the side of the nose without the spaghetti and pinch it good and shut.

Then, lean over and blow in your kid's mouth. You might want to wear eye protection.

You're welcome.

Dear People Who Comment on the Statesman Website,

I didn't even know you could get an internet connection on a high horse! That's awesome!

And I guess it must be pretty hard to type while your horse is bounding through Everyone But Me Is An A-Hole-ville. That must explain all the typos, huh? I'm bounsing my nees rihgt now to try and simulayt a horseride nad your tottaly rihgt. It is hrad to tipe!

I can also see how spell check is next to impossible. I mean, it's probably hard to proofread the things you type when you're so busy taking in all of the perfectly landscaped, HOA-approved Everyone But Me Is An A-Hole-ville scenery. All of those well-conditioned gainfully employed people riding on their equally gorgeous high horses. Never talking on their mobile phones while they ride their horses, never riding their horses in the left lane, never finding themselves late to their non-superfluous, recession-proof jobs, always cleaning the microwaves when they're done cooking scent-free popcorn for their afternoon snack, never using public funds to do unmentionable things like feed or medicate their children… that's a lot to pay attention to! Who needs spelling?!

It's just amazingly unselfish of you to try to convince the rest of us how fantastic it is to live in Everyone But Me Is An A-hole-ville. Of course you're trying to protect us from ourselves. We've been so busy staggering around under the weight of our ridiculous social responsibilities and spell check applications, we hardly have time to notice that when your horses get excited they have little lavender-scented rainbow sharts. (So THAT'S what's on my computer screen?!)

Thanks for the lesson, People Who Comment On The Statesman Website. I must spend less time cleaning your high horse sharts off my computer, and more time… uh… seeking out my very own horse with wifi and no spell check? Trying to get a passport into Everyone But Me Is An A-Hole-ville?

I will totally get on that as soon as I have the kind of recession-proof job that allows me to spend the entire day on my computer posting anonymously to local newspaper message boards.

I will get.on.that.

In the meantime, don't let your horse get spooked by the cloven-hooved rat bastards who live in Actual World-ville. I hear they can be kind of grouchy. And also, they have spell check.

Concerned Citizen

Everybody needs a hero

That title up there? That's the name of the panel I'm on at the Texas Book Festival this year!



I have a new blog up for my split personality, KA Holt. You can mosey on over there to read more about the panel, and the festival, and my supreme dorkiness, if you want.

I've always wanted to be able to participate in the fest as an author, and I'm pretty darn thrilled about it. Now I just have to figure out what to wear. And where to park. And what to say. And how to make sure the TiVo catches the whole Georgia-Florida game so that I can watch it when I get home.