Dear Asshole neighbors,

Could you kindly SHUT UP?

It's 2:15 am.

You may not realize this, but the Biscuit Brothers Holiday CD does not turn up loud enough to drown out your screeching and hollering and car door slams and speeding down the street.

And while I appreciate your enthusiasm for, uh, celebrating the fact that it's mid-November? Sharing with all of us your assholian vocal range? Returning from a trip that has your internal clock all screwed up so that you think it's 2 pm? I have to say that listening to you woohoo in the street as you try to run each other over in your stupid noisy cars stopped being fun about three hours ago.

I don't really want to reenact the thirtysomething pilot and run outside in my underwear and threaten to beat people up. Nope. I'm just going to sit on my couch, in my ikeasaurus tshirt and do my best to keep everyone in the house safe and sleeping. Also, I'm going to call the police.

I know, I know, I hate to be that grouchy old lady who doesn't want anyone to have any fun. The one who has to put down her Oreos and challah bread and scramble around in the kitchen for the phone. The one who steps on about about 14 musical toys on her way to said kitchen, making just about as much noise as you're making. But I am that lady tonight. And one day, you will be old and grouchy, too. You will have three kids you're trying to keep asleep all night long – at the same time. You will have to turn vornado fans on in two of their rooms and be thankful (thankful?!) that the third has a 16,000 decibel air compressor about three feet from him.

So please, for the love of just being a decent fucking human being, be quiet.

Thanks a bunch.

concerned mother


2 thoughts on “Dear Asshole neighbors,

  1. I can so relate to this post! Not in my current neighborhood (thank the Goddess!) but definitely in other places I’ve lived. I hope things quieted down quickly.


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