tiredest mama around
but feeling OK
Hello, neglected blog. Sorry it's been awhile. After the terrible horrible no good very bad week last week, I've had to spend most of this week recovering (as has young master Ike-a-saurus). He is on the mend, and I am catching up with my sleep. Finally. Whew.
Now I am in the throes of, "oh shit it's almost Christmas and I didn't buy any presents until the last minute and now I'm afraid I didn't get enough and what will I do now that the wee one AND the wee-er one have both spied a Santa present for Ike-a-saurus, uh-oh, jdfliugw.bjdbfougf"
Must get a hold of myself.
Sure, it's way more fun to panic about Christmas than it is to panic about your baby breathing, but even so: exhausting. Plus, I keep forgetting things. The wee one didn't bring a gift for his teacher – or even a card. I didn't send out cards or little Texas pecan pies to my agent and editors like I always do. I didn't do anything for my freelance contacts. Nothing.
Ah, well. It's too late now, and I guess there's a sort of freedom in having your life be so effed up that you can't do any of the silly trite things you're used to.
On the other hand, I really like doing those silly trite things.
I keep thinking about this time last year and how Ike-a-saurus was newly home from the hospital and well and trach free. It was such a nice time, free of the soul-crushing worry the rest of the year had had – and nearly the entire new year would have. It was our little vacation from trauma.
Things right now though aren't so bad. They could definitely be worse. But if you would have asked me last year if I would be thinking of gifts to get my home health nurses, and spending mornings on the phone changing durable medical equipment companies, and spending days upon days worried sick in the hospital, and suctioning a trach all the time, I would have been all, "Shit, better not start that Suck It 2008 Facebook group just yet, huh?"
So it's Christmas. I'm so happy it's here, but I hesitate to let myself be too happy, for fear of what's just around the corner. I've gotten MUCH better about living in the moment, but I could still do better.
What a fucking year, huh? It makes me shake to think about it.
Or maybe that's just the thought of how many over-compensatory Christmas presents I've bought the kids.
Either way. The shakes are no good. I am going to go out on a limb and blame the cold weather, though, and go get a cup of tea.
I will no longer taunt you, Universe. You have made me forget about tiny pecan pies and that is pretty hard core. Now I must soothe my soul with knowing that this year is almost over and next year it will be tiny pecan pies for everyone.
Unless I just jinxed it.