6:59 pm: OK, you guys. It's about to start. I'm on the couch. My computer battery is 87% charged, which is maybe more than my own battery is charged. Let's go!
7:01: The podium is AWESOME. It looks like Ricky Gervais has two golden legs. Like if the Tin Man had to get dressed up for an awards show.
7:03: Ricky Gervais is killing it, by the way, even if he has a tiny penis and makes fun of poor Asian children.
7:05: Nicole Kidman points out that George Clooney has set up a thing to raise money for Haiti. Her nipples are standing up and saluting him. Easy, Nipples, we already know how great he is.
7:08: Ike knows I'm ignoring him so he's started signing "milk" at Monique. Or maybe it's a delayed reaction to Nicole Kidman.
7:10: Maybe I should feed him.
7:12: Toni Collette wins for something! Diablo Cody is wetting herself somewhere. (Don't tell Diablo that the real reason Toni won is because Tina Fey and the girl from Glee canceled each other out.)
7:16: I love Lauren Graham, but pink satin is no one's friend.
7:18: Jeremy Piven's fake tan is a bit wowza dark. Like he's trying to trick people into thinking he's Denzel.
7:21: "Animation is not just for children, it is for adults who take drugs." HA. Paul McCartney has funny writers.
7:23: Up wins for best animated feature! My kids watch this movie everyday. It makes me cry everyday. Because I'm a sappy sap.
7:28: I think Kate Hudson's dress is made of fondant. How is it not wrinkled from the ride over? It's some kind of NASA-created fondant material with no smudges or lines.
7:32: Ricky Gervais has flustered Felicity Huffman AND insulted the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. I can see the train wreck coming and it.is.awesome.
7:35: Why is Michael C. Hall wearing this skull cap? Hair dye mishap? Cold ears? Giant, oozing robot brain?
7:37: Julianna Marguiles wins for the Good Wife! I never win for being a good wife. In case you were wondering.
7:42: Michael C. Hall has cancer. And now I go to hell for saying he has a giant oozing robot brain. Just to make it even, he can totally make fun of Ike's trach. "What's that thing on your neck, kid? Smoked one too many cigars, huh?"
7:44: Is Cher being snippy with Ricky? He should watch out. She could totally kick his ass. She would just swoop over him, get kind of sweaty from the exertion and melt in a big gloopy mess, suffocating him. She is a silly putty black widow.
7:48: My husband just left the room to go to bed. He thinks his roku is more interesting than I am. I really can't fault him for that. When you push my buttons I do not play old episodes of Buck Rogers. I just throw things and sprout gray hair.
7:54: There are a lot of things I regret not doing when I was pregnant. Like going full term. [push the red button] One of the other things, though, is that I never got to wear a fancy dress to show off my giant pregnant boobs. Lucky Amy Adams!
7:56: OH NOES! Drew Barrymore isn't making out with Jessican Lange! Did they have a spat? Is it because Drew is wearing the snowy foothills of a model train set as a dress? What is it?!
8:00: Meryl Streep is nominated against herself! Will she beat herself?
8:01: She did beat herself! But graciously and elegantly, and she said it was an honor to be nominated against herself. No, actually, she said she wants to change her name to T-Bone Streep. I totally did not make that up.
8:05: Note how Meryl doesn't get played off like everyone else. I had enough time to run upstairs and tuck in both kids really quick, making empty promises of snacks and drinks. Oh, wait. I had it paused. HA. But they're still not playing her off stage.
8:10: No desire to see Precious. No desire to even see clips of it. Nope. Nuh-uh.
8:12: My 7-year-old has the same hair as Kevin Bacon. KB must be growing out a summer buzz cut, too.
8:14: Drew Barrymore and her snowy foothills win for miniseries! I wish that the fiber optics on her dress were working.
8:16: If Drew's fiber optics were working, she would be the perfect accompaniment to take to Sesame Street Live. You could wave her in the air while Elmo ice skates. She would have to stop talking about lisping and being retarded, though. Maybe just stop talking all together.
8:23: Jennifer Aniston seem pissed and vaguely unable to read. She looks great, though. And naturally tan, instead of orange. She better not turn like she just did right then, though, because her hoohah almost popped out of her dress. It did not appear to be naturally tan.
8:25: Jason Reitman is fabulous. He rocks the facial hair AND he seems to be nice.
8:27: "Alan Baldwin couldn't be here tonight." Way to go Kutcher.
8:28: I like how Clooney thinks it's ridonculous to be at this stupid awards show right now when he could be setting up for a Haiti fundraiser. It makes me think of last year when I was liveblogging the Oscars in the PICU in between frantic moments of Ike being bagged (because his breathing would stop all of a sudden). There is this dichotomy in the world, you know? We all know there is. And sometimes pointing out the ridiculousness of it all – making fun, rolling your eyes, is a good way to point out how fucked up things are.
8:33: Sophia Loren is wearing the coal dusted hills on the other side of the tracks from Drew's snowy foothills.
8:36: Foreign film winner time = snack time
8:39: Mad Men wins Best Television Drama. Should I watch this show? I tried a long time ago and it just didn't click. Would it click now? I really kind of actually hated it and that's so not like me. I'm all up in the trends. I'm wearing an Ed Hardy shirt RIGHT NOW. And I'm reading Dan Brown. See?
8:41: I'm not really wearing an Ed Hardy shirt.
8:41.5: Or reading Dan Brown.
8:42: I'm not really up on the trends at all. My head is hanging in shame. Well, to be honest, it's hanging because I said the phrase "up on the trends". Twice.
8:45: Super sexy teenager alert! If Alan Baldwin was there, and drinking, he would kick his ass and it would be kind of great.
8:47: Chloe Sevigny is wearing a Claus Oldenburg sandwich board and she beats Jane Lynch. Lose-lose.
8:49: If I was hott, Halle Berry and I would have the same hair.
8:50: But not the same boobs.
8:54: If I took a Dayquil and drank a Coke would my heart explode? I'm always looking for creative energy boosters. But not if they make my heart explode.
8:56: NBC may be "in the toilet" (to quote Julia Roberts), but I like their new promo font. Is that a weird thing to say?
8:58: I like DeNiro imitating Scorcese having sex with 35mm film. If Gervais had done that, Nicole Kidman's nipples would have glared at him. They seem to be tolerating Bobby, though.
9:01: The oximeter is alarming. Drat. Who gets the golden globe for baby trach suctioning
9:04: I love how the camera just showed Jennifer Garner and she was shaking her head. I think she was thinking "oh shit, there's a camera on me, I better look oh-wow-he's-so-amazing-I-just-can't-believe-it". But I bet she was really shaking her head in a "Ben Affleck, stop throwing olives at the backs of knees" kind of way.
9:08: Mel Gibson is almost as repellent as my kitchen right now.
9:10: Also, for no reason I can put my finger on, that show Mercy makes me want to stab out my eyes.
9:12: Holy shit, you guys! Jodie Foster! She looks amazing. She is, like, aging backwards.
9:15: The "Golden Glove" goes to James Cameron. An inside joke? Or maybe I am going deaf. Very possible!
9:17: James Cameron isn't speaking Klingon. In case you were wondering.
9:18: Not that I would know.
9:19: Glee wins! 30 Rock loses. This makes me sadhappy. I might have to sing about.
9:26: Mike Tyson and Sophia Loren on the same stage in one night brings this whole thing to a new level of absurdity. Like the first time I ever buy paté with truffles in it is because I'm readying my baby for surgery. Except in this analogy – or whatever it is. I don't know anymore. I'm tired – I think my baby is Mike Tyson. Which is wrong. But you know what I mean. Do you? Because I don't think I can figure it out anymore.
9:29: The Hangover wins, by the way. And now the world is a more forgiving place for tiny asian peni.
9:31: WHY ARE COOMERCIAL SO LOUD?
9:32: I left that last update in there because the typos make me laugh. I NO TYPE ENGLISH.
9:34: Have you seen Mariah Carey's boobs tonight? Remember Lorraine in Back to the Future Part II?
9:36: I feel compelled to see the Blind Side. Even if Mickey Rourke looks pissed that Sandy won. Why is that movie compelling to me? Normally I hate stuff like that, and yet…
9:41: Robert Downey, Jr. is super funny and he's getting lost in his own joke which I can always appreciate. Also, he looks a little like my husband which I can also appreciate.
9:45: Commercials for doing your taxes suck all the fun out of the night.
9:47: Jeff Bridges gets a standing O! No one is pissing on his carpet tonight.
9:52: These Chrysler commercials are weird. Cars ≠ movies.
9:55: Avatar wins. I am ambivalent. Maybe I will see it if I get a chance? I am mostly struck by how Julia Roberts has real hair like everyone else, that gets frizzy in the rain. I am less struck by how James Cameron is unironically telling everyone in the theatre how awesome they are for having awesome jobs.
10:00: Now it's time for me to clean the kitchen. I could liveblog that, too, if you want. But I bet you don't want. So… Good night!