Admittedly, I have been mostly a cry-y mess for the past several days. But I AM happy about the trachiversary, too, so the conflicting feelings have been interesting to sort through.
This morning, as I woke up, Ike-a-saurus was climbing all over me. Knee to the eye, fist in the belly, accidental somersault off of the mountain of headache laying under the covers… He was like a puppy in a cartoon.
While I was hiding from the day, I heard the little "plink" of my phone being set into its charger (just before I heard the much larger CRASH of my phone banging into the bedside table, then the wall, and then falling on the floor).
That was the same "plink" I used to hear over and over while I was on bedrest, always fiddling with my phone.
And that little "plink" this morning made me feel incredibly grateful for where we are today, even if where we are today gives me a panic attack (hence the headache this morning from the xanax last night).
I am not sure there is anything worse than being pregnant, and in bed, trying to desperately stave off delivering your baby at 20 weeks. Well, yes, there are worse things. But it's hard to compare them, you know?
So I was in bed this morning, letting the covers fall from my head and I saw Ike-a-saurus' little yellow sweatpants-clad butt in my face as he clamored over me to get back at my phone and I got a little cry-y, because wow. I spent so many hours in that bed, with that phone, programming in times to remember to take my meds, and watching the stopwatch to time out too-early contractions, and dreading the reminders for all of the awful appointments where we were told awful things…. Seeing that little butt and that smiling, mischievous face made me take a deep breath. The deepest breath I've taken in a long, long time.
Even with the trach, things are so much better than they were all those months ago. They are better today than they were this day last year. They are better than I dare to believe. Ike-a-saurus is a lovely, smart, hilarious, wonderful little dude who we weren't even sure we would get the chance to meet.
Today is the trachiversary, yes. And there are things about that that make me sad and angry, but in the whole grand scheme of things, I am incredibly grateful for this day. Incredibly grateful.