Liveblogging the Oscars!

Even though I am overwhelmed by the social networking choices tonight, I'm going to stick with the old school blogging format. EVEN SO, there may be an occasional tweet or facebook posting during the shenanigans tonight. So if you would like to be offended or bored across MANY platforms, make sure you're following me on The Twitter. (@haikumama)

I am already shouty with excitement, SO HERE WE GO.

7:02: Technically this is the preshow. But I think we all need to talk about how Maggie Gyllenellenhallhegne is wearing the same colored lipstick as my 7th grade US history teacher. Mrs. Antillle shout out!

7:05: Not a fan of George Clooney's wispy bangs. Are his bangs a weird cross-promotional ABC/ V thing? Clooney sports the top half of Anna's hair. I can envision the marketing meeting this idea was borne from. The late night marketing meeting. The late night marketing meeting with whiskey and pot and a V marathon. The late night marketing meeting with whiskey and pot and a V marathon and George Clooney posters hanging on the wall.

7:13: I have seen two of the ten nominated movies. Not bad, really, considering I never get out of the damn house. Like never. Ever. Ever.

7:15: HOLY SHIT. Sarah Jessica Parker in high def is a little bit yikes. All angles, that girl.

7:21: Pretty sure Miley Cyrus has dentures. I know we've talked about this before.

7:25: So the nurse just called in sick for tomorrow. I will not think about the repercussions until after the Oscars.

7:30: Actor and Actress nominees on stage at the same time! Please, please have them burst into song. Or dance the tango off the stage.

7:32: Oh, NPH. You planned the part where JamCam was all in the dark, right? Awesome.

7:34: Matthew Broderick has turned into an Old Navy mannequin.

7:35: See the feet on Alec's shoulder? It's the devil, whispering sweet nothings. Come on, Devil! Let's get some zingers tonight!

7:40: Every time I see James Cameron I kind of want to kick him. What is that? 

7:43: I'm waiting for it to get funny.

7:45: Matt Damon has the same accent as Gwyneth Paltrow! Can you imagine how he called her one night and was all, "Hey, I need to study your accent!" And she was all, "I don't have an accent!" And he was all, "Right." "And she was all, "Seriously." And then he said, "So it's South African right?" And she said, "my handbag?" And he said, "YOUR ACCENT!" And it just degenerated from there.

7:49: Behind Quentin in the audience? Santa after the Atkins diet. 

7:50: The Blind Side looks like one of those sappy movies I would hate, and yet I feel absolutely compelled to see it. It is a weirder feeling than the one I have to constantly kick the living shit out of James Cameron.

7:52: I have a desire to borrow someone's iPad, to hold it in one hand, with a Foster's beer in the other hand, and yell, "I'M SHRINKING" over and over until someone finally offers up a sad laugh.

7:57: "This is not food" Ha. Funniest line of the night so far goes to an animated dog.

7:59: Just listening to the music from Up makes my eyes tear up. Jeez.

8:00: Did you like how specific I was just then? "My eyes tear up." Yes. Rather than my nose or my shoulders.

8:01: DENTURE ALERT! DENTURE ALERT! Miley Cyrus is an old lady. I swear it. She how she's standing there? Hear her voice? She is actually a 700-year-old James Cameron who has come back in time to test out his age-reversing time machine before he sells it to Hollywood at large. 

8:03: And gender-reversing. Obviously.

8:07: The dangly lights that rim the stage look just like the glow worm silk hanging inside the caves on Planet Earth. I wonder if these dangly lights are also an attempt to ensnare cockroaches?

8:12: Sickly little mole people. Yes. Best description of writers ever. Also, showing Tina Fey and Colin Firth in back-to-back shots made my heart do a funny flip-flop of confused crushes.

8:15: Yay writers! People are clapping for you!

8:18: 220, 221, whatever it takes.

8:19: I just got felt up by my grandmother

8:23: Loved the shot of the youngsters after the John Hughes tribute. I could probably write a master's thesis on Kristen Stewart's scowl right there.

8:24: Every time Up is on, or there's a clip of Up on, and the scene comes on where the little boy says "Will you let me in?" and the old man says, "No!" my husband laughs. Even when he's not in the room I always hear a little heh heh. It makes me laugh that it makes him laugh so much.

8:31: Whatsherface there, the blondie… I love her haircut. Love it. But she better watch out or Clooney's going to crib her bangs.

8:32: The background on stage looks like shiny Cracklin' Oat Bran. Mmm.

8:34: At this point in the show, I bet Meryl Streep is thinking, "Wow, this is going to be a long one. Where can I get one of those astronaut diapers?"

8:37: It's kind of ironic to make movies when your name is Tivi, no?

8:40: Spontaneous sexy contest: Eric Bana vs. Colin Firth – GO!

8:42: Tiny lamps! Tiny lamps at Jeff Bridges' feet. It would be kind of awesome to have those follow you around whenever you were in a dark room. If they feet. But also, that would be trippy. In every sense of the word.

8:49: Husband just brought me nachos. Distracted. But not distracted enough to stop lamenting the fact that I haven't seen District 9 yet.

8:50: Oh, Geoffry Fletcher, you're going to make me cry.

8:52: Spontaneous sexy contest II: Queen Latifah or J. Lo – GO!

8:55: More lamps! I am loving the lamps. I'm going to put 6 million lamps on my living room wall. 

8:59: Well it had to be Mo'Nique, didn't it? Wow. I am never, ever going to see that movie, but just from the clips I can see how amazing she was. And, how awesome to mention Hattie McDaniel? She was the first African American woman to win a Best Supporting Actress award.

9:01: Sentimentality over! Now it is Colin Firth sexytime!

9:04: Colin Firth sexytime over! Now it is nachos sexytime!

9:07: SJP is wearing vintage, right? She also managed to find a vintage face and just-rode-in-a-convertible hair. Has she been sitting under a vent? Rubbing her head on Colin Firth's chest?

9:11: Super snarky costume lady! Wearing a tribble on her boob! Get after it, Super Snarky Costume Lady. You have three Oscars now. Don't hold back.

9:18: "It's been 37 long years since whore got its start, blah blah," Oh, Kristen Stewart, enunciate! Whore has been around a LOT longer than that.

9:21: Hi, Oscar montage people? Edward Scissorhands is not a horror movie.

9:23: Remember that age-reversing time machine we were talking about before? I think maybe the first person to buy one will be Ryan Seacrest. And then he will come back as Zac Efron and present on the Oscars tonight.

9:24: The noses on the Avatar people look just like the pictures of the stent the doctors are going to create out of Ike's rib. Well, except
for the blue part. That's pretty weird, isn't it?

9:28: Do I know this girl? I feel like I know this girl. She's funny. (Not John Travolta)

9:33: "the pill does not protect from pregnancy when you are already pregnant." Thanks, commercials. You're so helpful.

9:35: I guess they're trying to save time here, but I think it's kind of weird that the cinematographers don't get to show any clips. More time for JimCam/JamCam cult gushing, though. Whew.

9:37: Demi Moore walks out and my husband says, "Demi Moore? Isn't she dead?" And here she is introducing the dead people montage. doo dee doo doo doo dee doo doo.

9:44: This HEB kid status meeting commercial is hilarious. I completely believe in this conspiracy theory. Completely.

9:47: Oh, Adam Shankman. I love the cheesy dancing part. I think you're pretty cool, too. And I would still think that even if you didn't remind me a little of our kick ass pediatrician.

9:50: The dancing is really amazing. Maybe they should just do dance interpretations to introduce all of the awards.

9:53: So now, not only does the Up music make me weepy, the composer does, too. What a great speech. Hooray for supportive parents!

9:55: Uh-oh, whathisface from the Hangover and Alias (what is wrong with my memory tonight?) just said "and the winner is…" big Oscar no-no, dude. No more presenting for YOU!

9:57: Spontaneous sexy contest III: Jason Bateman or George Clooney – GO!

10:02: Wait. I haven't been paying attention. We're doing clips again? Those cinematographers got screwed.

10:04: Wait. Again. Not paying attention. Has EVERYONE been saying "and the winner is?" MUST START PAYING ATTENTION. Now that there's twenty minutes left.

10:08: It's Morticia Adams as viewed through a negative!

10:09: I think that sentence just made me about 80 years old.

10:10: Those spinning stairs are like a sun dial of how long this show is. Just before Forever, but just past Yawn.

10:15: I take back what I said about SJP's hair. It was definitely Pedro Almodovar rubbing his head all over Colin Firth.

10:17: Really. I just can't get enough of the tiny lamps everywhere. They remind me of the little free purple mushrooms on Plants vs. Zombie. I keep expecting them to shoot little spore bombs at everyone.

10:18: So did James Cameron divorce Kathryn Bigelow and marry his grandmother?

10:23: So many commercials. I just grew a beard.

10:25: Does anyone really say tow-head? Like, in real life?

10:27: I like the idea of the anecdotes, but they're a little hand-jobby, no?

10:29: Spontaneous sobriety question! Morgan Freeman – 1 flask in his pant leg, or two?

10:31: Kate Winslet is gorgeous, even when she's dressed like a Diet Coke.

10:33: The Dude takes it! And more parent stories. Sweet.

10:37: So, for Best Director are they bringing out the film school professors everyone had? To talk about how promising they were, and how great their student films were, and how blah blah, snore I just fell asleep, longest Oscars ever… lamps

10:41: Sandra Bullock has worked her ass off to get here. You can just tell, you know? You can also tell she wants to run up there and grab Forrest Whitacker in a headlock.

10:44: Oprah's giving free Gabbys to the whole AUDIENCE!

10:48: No way! Sandy takes it! My heart just got a little racy for her. Funny brown-haired girls FTW!

10:50: To everyone who was kind to me before it was fashionable. HA.

10:52: And more mama love. Aw.

10:53: Whew! Babs is here with her GIANT DROOPY LACE BOOB BOW to snap us out of our mistiness.

10:55: And Kathryn Bigelow wins! Such class to not turn around and be all "suck it, jamcam!"

10:59: Hooray for the Hurt Locker! And not just because it was only one of two movies I've seen out of the nominees. I really did think this was going to be a boring Avatar-wins-everything night. Yay for surprises. But dude, this show has been LONG.

11:02: Long.

11:03: Thanks for hanging in there with me everybody. Now go get some sleep. Dream of giant droopy lace boob bows and Colin Firth.

17 thoughts on “Liveblogging the Oscars!

  1. You gotta see District 9. I was really surprised by it, and I really liked it. Of course, I’ve not seen any of the other nominees…


  2. Mo’Nique mentioned Hattie McDaniel also because she wants to do a movie about her.
    Also, what is Morgan Freeman on?


  3. Actually, James Cameron divorced Kathryn Bigelow to marry Linda Hamilton, then he divorced Linda two years later to marry his grandmother. All I can see is a series of perpetual downgrades. Don’t most men get younger and younger women?


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