wailing down the street, top speed
stops me in my tracks
For the first few months after Ike-a-saurus' trach-o-drama extravaganza last year I had a really hard time every time I saw an ambulance on the street. Especially the yellow and blue ones. I would have to pull the car over and hyperventilate and cry a little bit and then everything would be kind of OK (at least OK enough to resume driving). After a few months of that it got to where I could see an ambulance and be fine UNLESS it had its lights and siren on. Then – freak out. A few months after that, I was OK as long as someone else was in the car with me… all of this until the point where I could be in the car, see a wailing ambulance, and not lose my shit.
Time, acceptance, subsequent trips in ambulances – it seemed like all of these things combined to help calm me down.
What makes today different? Beats me. Maybe it's all the health care talk, flashing me back to a dark time. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it was a song on the radio. Maybe it was the actual, physical movement I had to take to take to pull the car over to let the ambulance go by. I don't know. But whatever it was set off a reaction that I haven't experienced in several months.
I think seeing all of the cars pull off to the side so that the ambulance could get through the traffic was the kicker. I immediately flashed back to being in the ambulance that first time with Ike. He was in the back and I had to sit in the front with the driver, watching the traffic scramble to get out of our way. Something about the cars pulling over today… well, it turned me into a big mess. That was at noon, and still, nearly 4 hours later I feel exhausted and shaky and cry-y.
Not really sure what the point of this post is, other than to say dammit, I thought all this mess was behind me.