About a million years ago, I wrote a letter to the Ellen show. I actually wrote it two weeks before Ike got his trach. I find this darkly hilarious because the letter is all about how shitty our luck was and how everything was terrible. LITTLE DID WE KNOW….
Anyway, it's taken from then until now, but I actually heard back from someone! I've been keeping it under wraps because I didn't want to jinx it, but holy shit you guys, Ellen wants us on the show!!
The producer is calling me back at the end of the week with a shooting schedule. Holy shit.
I thought you'd get a kick out of the letter, so here it is in its entirety. Please, let us all pause and laugh hysterically at the SHIT LUCK I brought upon this house by writing this letter, all thinking to myself, "Well heck, there's no way things could get worse."
Cynically cynicalness aside, here's the letter in all its glory:
Hello, Ellen's Producer-Minion!
I find myself in something of a
vortex of suck, and I thought that really, things are in such a surreal
state of constant WHAT? that writing a groveling email to the Ellen
show is a completely expected and required next step.
I'm writing this because I need someone to figure out
how to destroy the black cloud hanging over my house. I'm not sure if
Ellen can do some kind of voodoo dance, or if she could get Steve
Spangler to create a science-y black cloud sucker-upper, but I know she must
have some tricks up her sleeve.
Here's a quick rundown of the drama:
Last July my son was born three months early. I had already spent 5 weeks in the hospital, then he spent 8 weeks in the NICU.
But he's OK. Yay! And my other two kids are almost recovered from the ordeal. I may never recover. Holy crap, that sucked.
Fast forward to January 2009. After creating a "Suck it, 2008"
Facebook group for everyone else who had a terrible year, I was really,
really looking forward to 09. But then, in rapid-fire succession, I
came down with mastitis and my infant son came down with croup.
Back into the hospital he went.
The wily croup didn't go away, though, so we were off to visit some specialists.
was just diagnosed with laryngomalacia (sounds scary, but is not. It
means he has a floppy larynx. Crazy, right? It always sounds like he's
gasping for breath, but thankfully it doesn't actually affect his
breathing – unless he has croup). So there's that.
AND THEN, THEN, one week after the baby was discharged from the hospital, my husband was laid off.
what brings me to you. I know Ellen can't create a job for him. And I
know she is probably un-practiced in creating non-floppy larynxes. But
maybe she would like to mention my book on the air? I actually have two
of them. Haiku Mama (because seventeen syllables is all you have time to read) was published by Quirk Books in 2006, and Mike Stellar: Nerves of Steel is launching on June 23rd (Random House Books for Young Readers).
I know she probably doesn't have time to read them and that's why
I'd like to offer to mail her not only copies of the books, but my
friend Amy The Librarian as well (Amy was also recently laid off
because apparently my bad luck is contagious). Amy is pretty tiny and
climb into a box if I use donuts to lure her in it and trap her. She
can follow Ellen
around and read the books to her, just like the announcers on those
Geico commercials. Then, if Ellen likes one of the books, she can
casually throw it into some conversation on the show. "What, Lauren
Graham? This piano medley reminds you of wanting to buy and read Mike
Stellar: Nerves of Steel by KA Holt? But of course!" A million billion people will
then buy a copy of the book, and all together they can put them in
slingshots and shoot them at the black cloud over my house.
I don't need to be on the show or anything, my social ineptness is
quite amazing. I would probably turn red, fall down, possibly catch on
fire, roll into a flock of geese and then have to be landed on the
Hudson. Not pretty.
But maybe Ellen could mention one of the books. Amy The Librarian
and I would be happy to reciprocate by mentioning Ellen on our podcast.
And since we podcast in our Hanes underwear (because we have no money
for clothes), we are hotly anticipating a Hanes sponsorship soon. This
will bring us some fame, of course, and we would be happy to share that
I look forward to hearing from you, Producer-Minion. I am buying donuts to lure Amy the Librarian into the box, as we speak…
All my best (which might actually be contaminated with my effed up luck, so watch out),
Kari Anne Roy
What did you think? Funny, yes? Also, all a lie. We are not going on Ellen. April Fool's!
(The letter is real though, I just never had time to send it.)
(Note: I got Ike's birth month wrong)
(Also note, Amy and I do not have a podcast, though we constantly threaten to start one.)