Hi, Blog!

You may remember me from such posts as "Holy fuck, the world is ending" and "oh shit, my kid's a demon".

Well, just to update you on everything… IT IS ALL WORSE. God. Remember when this blog used to be funny? One day, I will get you bitches laughing again. Until then, if I am being honest (and I have to be honest, because this is the interweb and everyone is honest on here), it is my duty to report: Nothing is better. A spiraling tornado of shittiness is trapped within these four walls and it is just going to keep throwing me up against the floor and ceiling until all my bones are broken or I am addicted to prescription medication.

Like, seriously, Smokey from Lost is trapped in this house and he's all "ticka-ticka-ticka I'magonnagetcha" and then he grabs me by my ankle and throws me against the dishwasher and I discover we have no tabs to put in it to clean the dishes. And then he's all "ticka-ticka-ticka I'magonnasquishya" and he throws me up against one of my kids and I realize said kid is running a thousand degree temperature.

Days and days and days of this shit right now. At least the power is back on so we can run all of Ike's doodads. (Oh yes. It's been THAT kind of week.)

But I don't want to dwell on the shittiness of everything. I mean, what would Oprah say? She'd be all, "KAARRRRRIIIIIII!!!! You have to watch this montage of other women who have been starving and living in ditches and then overcome it all to become the CEO of million dollar companies!!!" And then I would want to stab her a little bit, so maybe this is not a good example.

Anyway. I just wanted to say that things are still terrible. But, you know, I guess I'm going to have to get used to it. I'm going to have to realize that this terrible fucking shit ass shit month is happening so that something unicorny and pony-like and sparkly and fancy can happen. The one particular thing I have in mind is probably going to get postponed because of the "ticka-ticka-ticka I'magonnasmashya" grabbing me by the wrist and thrusting my face into the fact that Ike is probably not going to be well enough to make the June trip. BUT, there has to be a karmic switcheroo, right? At some point?

Maybe it is the Advil Cold & Sinus talking, but this house is being sucked into a black hole right now and I am just too fucking tired of it all to be sad about it.

Into the black hole we go. Let's find out what's on the other side. Hopefully, it's better than Oprah. And hopefully, it has some fucking dishwashing tabs.

8 thoughts on “Hi, Blog!

  1. OMG! I’m so sorry. I hope everything gets unicorny soon. This month has sucked and it will be over soon. I hope Ike gets better along with everyone else running demon temperatures and I’ll pray that June trip can still go on as planned. And HELL with Oprah. She has enough money to pay someone to fix all her Smokeys that come up in life. We have to make it on our own which makes us way more stronger than her. She should be asking us for advice.


  2. If you don’t manage to find some tabs in your magic bag and decide that plain old sink-style soap will probably do the job and you suds the whole damned kitchen back to the stone age, just throw a cup of olive oil in there and everything will be almost as good as new.


  3. I used to be funny too. Now I’m a big drag of reality. It’s sucks, dear, and I’m sorry.
    You DID make me laugh with the Ticka, ticka, I’mgonnagetcha. So you haven’t completely lost your touch. Just so you know.
    And I’m thinking/hoping/praying/beaming positive voodoo mojo energy towards your house so you can get Ike to that shining beacon of light, Cincinnati.


  4. there HAS to be some great rainbow of epic proportions just behind this shitstorm. there just has to! karma works that way, right? RIGHT?! I’m hoping. hugs to you all inside the tornado. does “this too, shall pass” help at all? rocking under a blanket repeating it helps me. whatever. bye.


  5. And yet, even when you are in the throws of disaster – you still manage to make it funny (in that it’s-not-really-funny-but-damn-you-have-a-way-of-saying-things-sucks-with-a-high-degree-of self-depricating-humor).


  6. OMG. SO sorry. Envisioning those unicorns galloping – no, stampeding – across the rainbow to your front door with some relief. Hang on ’til they arrive.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s