We got an itemized bill in the mail the other day for "trach tube ho". Now, I know I get testy with the medical supply company, but there's no need for name calling.

Of course the idea of a Trach Tube Ho is as appealing as it is, you know, unappealing. Lots of unsavory jokes have been floating around here because of this, most of them dealing with suction machines. But I digress.

When one receives a bill in the mail for a Trach Tube Ho, one immediately thinks, "Hey, Self? This calls for a rap." So I've been busily trying to devise something that is at least Natalie Portman-worthy.

Here you go, my friends, the Trach Tube Ho rap. If someone brings me a Blackberry Smash or two, there is a high likelihood I might even make a video (and/or soil myself at some point).

Trach Tube Ho (what?)

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.

Let's be naughty.
Let's be naughty.
Let's be naughty, ho.
But not until you've cleaned out.
My air compressor hose.

Get your hand up in there, bitch.
And shake out all the slime.
We get pseudomonas up there.
All the fuckin' time.

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.

See those can-i-sters, in my bulging cab-i-net?
My DME.
Charges me.
A fuckton for that shit.

Sometimes I hit a wall.
Sometimes I throw a chair.
Sometimes I make a phone call and I swear and swear and swear.

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.

She might just fuck you up.
This crazy trach tube ho.
By screaming at you con-stant-ly
Through her weepy stoma hole.

She ain't no normal fucked up bitch
Her crazy's shined and beveled
She's taken all this trach bullshit
To the next fucking level.

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.

Somebody get Nystatin.
Somebody get the gauze.
Somebody get the KY jelly.
Out the baby's jaws.

Imma hold you down.
Imma tilt your face.
Imma count to three.
Cause it's time to obturate.

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.

So don't you go a-thinkin'.
She's all special needs
Just cause she throws loogies
Out the neck hole that she breathes. 

She's a very special ho.
Who loves her Medicaid.
Even more than she enjoys.
Getting fucking laid.

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.

It's all about the money, bitch.
Saving up some scratch.
To finally get the damn trach out.
Before them germies hatch.

We gotsta rustle up some Cotton
To get busy with this nasty.
It's about fuckin' time.
For that larynogotracheoplasty.

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.

I got your trach tube, what?
I got your trach tube, what?
I got your Trach Tube Ho and she's crazy in her nut.