Well, we knew this was going to be hard, but I'm not sure we thought it would be THIS hard. Turns out little dude takes after his mama when it comes to sedation. He fights it, he hates it, he wants to get up and run away. Just like I managed to wander around my hospital room and cry about being underwater when I was under the influence of Stadol, Ike is bucking and thrashing his way out of restraints and doing double donkey kicks at the nurses – all while he's chock full of fentanyl, versed, dexablablahreallylongname, ativan, methadone, morphine, ketamine, and or the paralytic "roc". "Is he 'rocked'?" the nurses asked when they were getting ready to re-tape his ET tube. "Uh," was the answer as he started to cry and turn his head. And this was after the shot of morphine.
The kid has the metabolism of, well, a very metabolic thing. Or he has a superpower against sedation. Either way, it has been a hard night and day. He's out of it enough to be groggy, but with it enough to fight and kick and sign "milk" over and over until your heart breaks.
We're worried that he's having a tough time with pain and that's what's overriding the sedation. So far, the Ketamine has worked the best, but it's not a long term solution. Of course, needing two people to hold an intubated kiddo still 24 hours a day is not a long term solution, either. The doctors and nurses and Steven and I are all trying to figure out what the hell to do. We think getting him to poop will help (well, not with pain, but with being comfortable). And then after that we just have to figure out how to keep him from getting so pissed. He's pissed to be restrained, he's pissed to have a tube in his nose, he's pissed to have the NJ on the other side of his nose, he's pissed that he hurts. He's pissed at the continuous flow of formula. He's pretty much just plain pissed.
He had a drain removed from his chest this morning (is that TMI? I guess all of this is), and remarkably, that was no sweat. His NJ failed and we had to put a new one in, that wasn't fun. And then his IV failed and we had to get a new one of those. The "quiet" Friday has turned into anything but.
Steven will be here with Ike tonight while I go back to the hotel to try to get more than 3 non-consecutive hours of sleep. Sleeping and eating are just wastes of time during all of this, I wish we could suspend them and be like hibernating bears, but awake and fully functioning. Alas. It's always hard to take care of yourself when all you want to do is take care of your baby. But I will try to sleep and eat and not crash the car into any poles in the parking garage. And so will Steven.
I am not sure how much time I'll have to update as the days progress. Things are just goinggoinggoing around here. So if there aren't any posts for a while, don't freak out. Maybe I will post a million times a day. I don't know. I always feel weird when it comes to posting medically things like this, even though I do it all the time. Like maybe I'm putting too many private things out publicly. I don't know if it's good to blog about this stuff. It makes me uncomfortable – but the support and love and wishes and prayers are INCREDIBLY comforting. So then I think it's OK. Blogging is sort of like a phone tree for the 21st century, I guess.
As you can see I'm all over the place right now and that is a good sign that I need to stop what I'm doing and take a deep breath.
No ketamine for mommies.