Baby milk and an ass bite: or, the story of how I do not have it all together like you might think

A lot of times people ask me, "How do you keep it all together? You write books, you have kids, you blog, you have all this stuff going on with Ike-a-saurus, HOW DO YOU DO IT?"

I always say something like, "Oh, I don't know, you just do it." Or "I don't really keep it all together, you should see my kitchen."

Today, though, really proves the point that I do not, in fact, have it all together. I do not actually have even little pieces of it together.

After working on a blog post for SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION YEARS (when it should only have taken five hundred million) and getting BIT on the LOWER ASS (or upper thigh, depending on your view) by a certain small dinosaur who is known throughout the land for hating the guts of my laptop, I took said dino on a ride to pick up his sister at school.

When I got to the school the wee-er one said, "Why did you give me baby milk in my lunch?" And I was like, "Whuh? Huh?" So she said it again like I am hard of hearing, "WHY. DID. YOU. GIVE. ME. BAY. BEE. MILK. IN. MY. LUNCH." I had no idea what she was talking about so I grabbed her lunchbox off the shelf and opened it.

Here is what I saw:


That's right. A bottle of Boost and a bag of croutons.

I'm not sure what's worse: that I somehow managed to send her to school with this, or that I DON'T REMEMBER DOING IT.

I remember hunting around the house trying to find Ike's bottle ("where did that damn thing go? It was RIGHT HERE"), not finding it, and giving up.

I remember asking what she wanted to eat for lunch.

But that's it.

Back at school, her teacher said, "Don't worry, I made her a bean and cheese taco. [PAUSE] You must be really sleep deprived." Haha. Indeed. Actually, I am sane deprived.

So there you go. For everyone who is all, "I don't know how she does it! Writes books! Has three kids! Blogs!" The answer is clear: I don't do it. I wing it. And on days like today, with a bitten ass and a crouton/Boost-filled lunch box, I obviously don't wing it very well.

Now what was I doing again?

16 thoughts on “Baby milk and an ass bite: or, the story of how I do not have it all together like you might think

  1. Hey you did send her with enough calories that would help her through the day and some carbs. All in all it was not a wash…..


  2. I am laughing out loud at my desk at work, so now my co-workers want to know what is so funny!! It’s ok cause they all know about Ike and have prayed for him and you all along! Thanks for the laugh! You Are Loved!


  3. I have to warn hou that she might bring this up later in life when she wants to get you…I know I would. Just remember there IS a statute of limitations on motherhood. You cannot be held responsible for things that happened when your kids were young.


  4. Ok, that was a great laugh–love the visual. Actually, the fact that you had it together enough to take a picture gets you some street cred, I think.
    I hate it when my daughter asks, basically, why did I dick her over today. But it happens more often than I’d like, and I have 33% fewer children than you do, for starters.


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