I can't decide the best way to go about this tonight: seek out caffeine or seek out alcohol. Tipsy live-blogging or hyper live-blogging? A difficult decision. I guess I could add some jack to my Coke and try to attain the best of both worlds.
This feels like an inappropriate conversation. But since it's before the Golden Globes, I think it gains some ground.
6:30 pm: OK. So. You have a half an hour to finish up whatever it is you're doing. The stars are all over the red carpet, boringly talking to Carson Daly. This is an excellent opportunity to lock the kids in their rooms, dig out the Bluebell, find some BBQ chips and alienate your spouse by saying suggestive things about Brad Pitt and/or Tina Fey. This will empty the room for you. Trust me. It works every year.
6:45: Still haven't settled on a drink, but man I love Michelle Williams' hair. How cute is she? Seriously. I try to get my hair cut like that, but with the curls it turns into this.
6:57: No jack in the house. Have settled on rum and Coke. Check. Children upstairs in the bath. Check. Alienated spouse upstairs helping children. Check. BRING IT, HOLLYWOOD.
7:01: Ricky Gervaise gets that bribe thing out in the room early. Also, there is a glass of wee on his dais thing. I know it's not called a dais, but I can't think of what it's called right now.
7:04: Shot of Steve Buscemi when Gervaise mentions Boardwalk show and Walking Dead. I would be hard pressed to guess which one he's on. Dude needs some sun. Also, there was a penis joke in there but I missed it because I was trying to figure out how to spell Buscemi's name. MORE RUM.
7:08: Scarlett Johannson is so fancy pretty that she even makes bride of frankenstein hair pretty. Hey! Christian Bale just won an award. He is very hairy tonight. Like if you were super extra drunk and saw Russell Brand, you might think he looks like Christian Bale does tonight.
7:11: Obviously no one thought Katey Sagal was going to win, because they sat her over on the dark side of the moon. I really wish she had one giant eyeball in real life.
7:16: Julianne Moore is wearing a satin-y, snuggie type one-armed version of my Old Navy fleece pullover!
7:20: This guy from Carlos is so nervous. He sounds just like I did when I was in the ninth grade and tried out for swim team and I jumped in the water and it was like 60 degrees.
7:21: Ashton Kutcher's dad. Haha. Bruce Willis looks a little botox-y tonight, no?
7:24: Chris Colfer! I just clapped with the crowd!He is pale and sparkly as a Cullen. Sweet boy. I want to hold his head against my boobs.
7:27: "To help close the calcium gap" says the yogurt commercial. Does this not sound like something regarding a fontanelle?
7:31: Terrified by ALice in WOnderland. Just so you know. You could chase me around the house with the DVD and I would scream like a little girl.
7:33: Not TV series drummer, FYI. TV series drama. (In case you were briefly confused as I was.) Steve Buscemi continues tonight's theme of awarding the sickly pale. Also, he has girl hands. But that's OK. As long as his hadnshake is firm he can be my friend.
7:37: time to take a break from the rum
7:39: Boardwalk Empire wins for Best Dramatic TV SHow That Is Not A Movie or Any Other Thing That Would Make The Title For This Award Longer. I've never seen this show. Imma have to watch it. SOmething needs to tide me over until the zombie show starts back up.
7:44: Poor facebook actor guy. That is going to go on youtube and then facebook and his friends are going to like the shit out of it.
7:48: I think in every award show, with every award, everyone should probably thank Cher for being a bad ass.
7:50: Trent Reznor! Fucking A!
7:51: Why did they just show Kevin Bacon? Did Trent Reznor thank him and I didn't hear it over my chip crunching?
7:52: The wee-er one just shouted down to me from upstairs, "You better stop eating those chips! You're going to get a tummy ache!" She's probably right.
7:55: That Bieber girl asked me out on a date in college once. She hasn't aged AT ALL.
7:57: Toy Story 3 wins! Camera pans to all actors over the age of 60. ?
8:00: I'm a little worried that Robert Downey Jr. has the same hairdo as all of the mamas in 1950s TV shows. Also, Helena Bonham Carter is in full on Belletrix mode tonight it appears.
8:04: Annette Bening looks like a crazyface tonight. Like she wants to be in a sweatshirt and drawstring pants, with a cup of tea, railing about her asshole cats and why nothing good is on TV.
8:07: I need some crazyface tea. Well, green tea will do. My husband just rolled his eyes at me and left the house. Presumably he is going to pick up something at the Redbox that does not include a wifely character shouting at the TV, madly typing, and spilling rum & Coke dregs all over the couch.
8:10: The question is: Who will be the first person to punch Ricky Gervaise in the face tonight? The second question is: Why does Sylvester Stallone have a neck like that? Third question: Why is Tilda Swinton wearing my sheets?
8:16: Al Pacino and Annette Bening must have come to the globes on the same pedal pub.
8:17: After watching My So Called Life so many, many tomes, I feel like I know Claire Danes. Like I can be all OMG, my friend Claire just won a Golden Globe!
8:26: "Screenplays we could have written if we had time." Haha. Me, too, Tina and Steve. Me, too.
8:27: Husband just peeked into the room: "They made a movie about the arm guy?" You can see how often we get out of the house.
8:29: How is it fair for Sofia whatsherface from modern family to be so glamourous and giant-boobied and still seem so funny and regular?
8:36: Whoa. Internet fail. Sorry, Jane Lynch, that I couldn't post about your false humbleness. Just know that I laughed and nodded my head knowingly.
8:39: "This movie was inseminated…" I am not a fan of this metaphor. But is has inseminated the thought that maybe I need to get up and have a little debbie fudge round. And then I will gestate that fudge round until it is birthed into my thighs.
8:40: See? Gross.
8:41: Laura Linney? What? Is that show really so good? She is always the helen hunt type actress where you can see the director's instruction written across every inch of her face. Also, I'm afraid that if I ever ended up at a dinner party with her she would not like me. Maybe because I just insulted her.
8:46: I will never not laugh when Tina Fey does her Julia Roberts laugh.
8:47: Jane Fonda looks aweome. But a little like when she's done talking she's going to fly off the stage going CAW CAW.
8:49: Anyone remember Jim Parsons from Dancer, TX? Or wait, was he in that movie? Am I making stuff up again? I think maybe so. Was there even a movie called Dancer, TX?
8:51: Melissa Leo wins! Her hair color is really pretty. That's all I have to say because I haven't seen the movie. But I can tell you it was filked in Lowell, MASS, where my BIL is from. SEE, CHRIS, I REMEBERED TO SHOUT OUT THIS TIME.
8:53: Or, you know, filmed in Lowell.
8:59: If my hair grows out just a little bit more, and I start using way too much conditioner, it will be the same as Robert DeNiro's.
9:04: Lots of clapping. Shot of gross boobs. Lots of clapping.
9:07: During this long speech I will take a moment to comment on the sleeves tonight. Lots of sleeves. Square sleeves, pointy sleeves, shoulder-padded sleeves. Ugly sleeves. Not a fan of all the sleeves on the ladies dresses tonight.
9:09: "You just hope you can keep them in private schools." What? Robert DeNiro's kids are in AISD?
9:11: Jesus. This Abilify commercial is like the super happy fun ball.
9:13: Megan Fox is turning into a Bratz doll.
9:15: David O. Russell. He directed that movie that I like. The one with George Clooney and the Iraqi war. He didnt' win, though, so this meandering struggle for my brain to work means nothing. Another David won. but I missed it because I'm trying to remember this David O Russell movie. It had Marky Mark in it. COME ON BRAIN.
9:17: Three Kings! Yes. 10 points to my husband.
9:18: Glee! I guess I might have to start watching that show again. The fake pregnancy/awful wife thing was so tedious and I couldn't take it anymore. Are they done with that now? They must be.
9:22: With the TiVo and the Roku, I forget how handy commercial breaks are for peeing.
9:24: So did they yank Gervais after he insulted the Hollywood Foreign Press guy? Or is he just off getting his ass kicked somewhere?
9:26: Halle Berry is looking a little gaunt. Paul Giamatti, less so. Wow, that was the longest silent bleep out ever. The fuck did he say to Halle? She didn't hit him, so that's good. I guess.
9:29: Multiple people just tweeted, "Wait, is Jake Gyllenhall dating Jenny Lewis?" Which I totally read EVERY TIME as "Wait, is Jake Gyllenhall dating Jerry Lee Lewis?"
9:35: Natalie Portman wins! She has an adorbale baby bump! The second of my three children just woke up! I hope she knows what she's in for.
9:36: Natalie's super extra dorky laugh is really, really great. There's my overeducated brown-haired girl.
9:38: gervais is back! He does not appear bruised. On the outside at least.
9:40: The Kids are Alright wins for Best Comedy or Musical! Hooray for the gays! They are SWEEPING the awards tonight.
9:43: First: the Golden Globes. Next: marriage
9:46: Ooooh, no to the bangs, Sandy. They are getting caught on your eyelashes.
9:48: Quick! Colin Firth, Alec Baldwin or John Hamm? Quickie behind the bleachers. Choose…. now.
9:49: Has just been pointed out to me that my shouting out about the gays might not have been nice. I meant it nice! I swear! I am trying to be funny and sardonic. No? Not working? It has been further pointed out to me that I am not Kathy Griffin and that is why I oughtn't say things like that.
9:54: Michael Douglas looks pretty good. A bit like my grandma.
9:55: The Social Network wins for Best Drama. (Just as it does every night on my computer.)
9:58: Odds on Ricky Gervaise being invited back to do this again? Small. Odds that I'm going to go in the kitchen now and strain the vegetable broth I've been making all day? High! Good night, everybody. Thanks for hanging out and watching me make an idiot out of myself. but at least my boobs were covered and no one had to stick any needles in my face beforehand. Always a plus!