Please forgive the ensuing language

Those cocksuckers at Caremark did this. Well, they didn't come to our house or the store or hospital in Cincy or wherever and infect Ike with RSV, but they might as well have.

They denied all our appeals for Synagis. They disputed letters from our pediatrician. Sent ME a nasty letter saying Ike would not qualify.

Because of his age.

The medicine is dispensed based on weight. Ike is THE FUCKING SIZE OF A 16 MONTH OLD. He has chronic lung issues. The AAP says Synagis is indicated for premature babies and other babies AT THE DOCTOR'S DISCRETION. But Caremark denied us anyway. They drew it out for so long, we don't even have time to fight with Medicaid about whether or not THEY will approve it.

I hate Caremark with the same fiery hot anger that I saw in Ike's doctor's eyes when he said the RSV test was positive.

Thank-you, cocksockers, for not approving a medication that could have prevented this. Now my baby has RSV – a respiratory virus that can be fatal or cause long-term permanent damage in children like him.

The only reason we aren't in the hospital is because we have oxygen, equipment and access to nursing at home. Which doesn't mean he won't be hospitalized, it just means he isn't right now.

So, fuck you, Caremark. I hope you enjoy paying for all of the medications and therapies we'll need that we wouldn't have needed otherwise. Because now, instead of saving the money you thought you did by denying us the Synagis, you've cost yourselves a shitload more.

And also, the whole pediatrician's office is so angry I think they might grab some pitchforks and torches and track you fuckers down.

So.

Angry.

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You hear that, 2011? I AM STUBBORN. SO STOP SUCKING.

New Year's in E.R.
we'll just get it over with
early in the year

Ike and I spent New Year's Day enjoying some quality time in the E.R. He was having nebs and chest x-rays, I was having a minor emotional breakdown. But today has been somewhat better. We avoided spending the night at the hospital and I have thwarted further attempts at melting down with "at least we got the trach out in 2010." I am trying not to go down the path of "what if we have to get the trach put back in?" mostly because we just got back from Cincy and Ike's airway was deemed age-appropriate and healing beautifully.

So the fact that he is sick now and needing oxygen is not an airway issue. ARE YOU LISTENING, SELF? His airway is fine. His airway will not seal itself off. His lungs are a little gimpy from being a preemie and from aspirating just after the trach was put in. Time and size should hopefully fix that. It's just going to be rough to weather these repiratory viruses until then. I have to keep saying that over and over. I just finished a year and half of worrying about that damned trach, now the idea that I should have been worrying about his lungs instead (or in addition) makes me a little panicky.

He is very anti-nasal cannula at the moment. I don't blame him. He spent much of his very early life with one, and then had one after the reconstruction. I know that wasn't a fun time for him. So, of course, he associates the thing with yuckiness. However, breathing is good. We all like breathing. And getting a 2-year-old to understand that these prongs up your snotty nose will help you feel better is a bit of a feat. We're going to try a new tactic tonight (oxygen mask around his neck blowing shit tons of oxygen up into his face) and see if he likes that better.

How long will he need Os with these illnesses? I don't know. We've been lucky so far that he hasn't needed any. He didn't even need any the last time or two when he had the trach and was sick. I thought we were done with oxygen, that we just had it around for emergencies. Is this an emergency? No. Not yet, anyway. But it is a huge bummer. It's making me impatient and cranky and difficult to be around. Not an awesome way to bring in the new year and for that, I'm sorry. I need to be less stressed out when these things happen. Our pulmonologist told us it was likely he'd need oxygen when he got sick, but our pediatrician was more hopeful. So even though it's not a surprise, it's still disappointing. I wanted the trach to be gone, oxygen needs to be gone, all medical fragility to be gone. BE GONE. But it's not and I knew that it wouldn't be, so I should chill out.

My plan for meeting the new year with a relaxed, hopeful attitude has not yet been completely thwarted but only because I'm cantankerous and stubborn.

You hear that, 2011? I AM STUBBORN. SO STOP SUCKING. And, also, if you help Ike get off the supplemental oxygen in the next day or so, I'll be your best friend. We can laugh and hold hands and run through meadows together. I'll braid your hair, 2011, and you can ask me M.A.S.H. questions about which boys I like and what job I want. It will be awesome fun times. So help a girl out, OK? Don't make me punch you in your soft parts.