Things that I will have when I am dirty rich

1. Someone to cook me food. And not a regular ol' talented chef. No, I'm going to have someone intuitive, who'll be all, "I know you didn't ask for it, but you're going to love this." Also, this person could cook food for everyone else in the family, too.

2. Someone to wash all of the clothes, dry all of the clothes, fold all of the clothes, put away all of the clothes, and match all of the socks. If they can't match socks, they will just go out and buy new socks, without me having to ask.

3. Someone to wash the dishes. This person can just rinse them and stick them in the dishwasher, that's fine. But only if the dishwasher is one of those silent ones – which it will be, because I will be dirty rich.

4. An assistant to pay all the bills on time and sit on hold with whomever needs to be talked to about about whichever thing is screwed up.

5. A driver on those days that I hate everybody and will have road rage problems

6. An on-call nanny. Most of the time I like to be around my kids, but some days it would be nice to spontaneously call someone and say, "OMG, TAKE THEM TO THE EFFING PARK. I WILL PAY YOU A MILLION DOLLARS. JUST GET OVER HERE."

7. Regular haircuts

8. Mystery salve that will make my hands look like nice young lady hands instead of creepy, dry mummy hands

9. Floors that are not disgusting

10. A constant stream of new fleece blankets when it's cold outside

11. A movie theatre in my house, where, if you talk during the movie, you will get tossed outside on your ass by the giant dude who is hired only to toss people outside on their asses.

11a. Sometimes, when I want to mingle with the masses, I will go to a real movie theatre. In these cases, the big dude will come with me, and he will continue to throw people outside on their asses

12. A time machine

13. An entire countertop made of that stuff that charges your iphone when you lay it down

14. A new toothbrush every night

15. A human stuff organizer/photographic rememberer who will always know where all of my things are as soon as I ask

16. Football watching get-togethers with Obama where we text each other zingers and eat queso

17. Ear buds that don't hurt my abnormally small ear holes

18. Some sort of futuristic toy organization thing that keeps toys neat, but still visible, so the kids don't lose things

19. An extra backyard that is only a vegetable garden

20. Coffee that doesn't torture my guts

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7 thoughts on “Things that I will have when I am dirty rich

  1. #2. The clothes expert needs to know when kids have grown out their clothes and remove them without being asked, and shop for hip but appropriate clothing that fits perfectly.
    #8. Kiehl’s Creme de Corps. Expensive but you are dirty rich, right?
    Add #5a. The driver to go drive by snotty moms at school during drop off and splash mud on their clothes with the limo (and your kids get to thumb their noses at their kids).

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  2. I read this entry and the comments right before bed and ended up dreaming of cold-brewed coffee all night. I want to try it now. If you do try it, let us know how it goes for you!
    Also, the cook/housekeeper/assistant/toy-organizer thing? Me, too.

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  3. I have no cool advice like the comments above. I just know that I will keep this list forever and when I am filthy rich I will hand to the organizer person guy I just hired and tell him… Make it so!

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  4. Really? Admirable but useless. Look, everyone knows that Blanton will be the first guy out the door in a trade to lower the payroll. And with Andy Petitte having retired, Brian Cashman will come calling for Fat Joe any day now if not already.

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