Liveblogging the Oscars!

And so it begins… Well, not quite yet. The actual Oscar ceremony doesn't start until 7:30 CST. Right now, though, ABC is having a live pre-show. Go fix yourself some guacamole and grab some junior mints. Put the kids to bed early (or let them run around and destroy the house – your choice!) I'll meet you back here in a little while. And feel free to go over to The Twitter to check out any pre-show pre-blogging shenanigans. (@haikumama – or you can click on the thing over on the side there that doesn't line up with the rest of the sidebar and it will take you there.)

FIND SNACKS.

I'll see you soon.

PS. You might want to make yourself a daiquiri. To go with the birds.

PPS. I'm letting Ike eat M&Ms for dinner. This means he will begin liveblogging soon, as well.

PPPS. And by "live-blogging" I mean "running crazily around the house and then barfing in a corner"

6:58: Ike-a-saurus ASLEEP! Wee-er one watching an endless loop of cartoons – in the other room.

7:00: have just finished laying the red carpet from the couch to the fridge.

7:02: I hope we get the Natalie Portman dork laugh again tonight. I'm going to make it my ringtone.

7:13: So when Nicole Kidman was picking out her dress she thought, "Which dress will make my hips look wider and more mermaid-y? Ooooh. THIS ONE."

7:17: For the rest of the night I'm saying Cawin Furf, just like Russell Brand.

7:23: Almost show time. Maybe I should fix some actual dinner right quick.

7:29: The Cedar Park Jewelry commercial and the Goodwill commercial both just had the same background music. A win for one, less of a win for the other?

7:32: OMG, an Ambien juice pouch. These writers have been to school board meetings!

7:36: Watch out for the Libyans!

7:39: Anne Hathaway would be funnier if she wasn't acting.

7:41: For serious. This blows. I mean, it blows in an attractive way, at least, but still.

7:42: Wait, wait, wait, they're trying to lure me in with Gone With the Wind talk.

7:43: The pace of this show right now

[five minutes in the future] is at

[ten minutes in the future] about

[fifteen minutes in the future] this speed

7:47: Super glad I didn't have to go through high school with the last name "Pfister"

7:52: I want Helena Bonham Carter to be my friend, even though I would be scared that she might eat my face off at some point.

7:56: Oh, Furf smiles and makes THIS TREACHEROUS MOMENT somewhat bearable.

7:57: Is treacherous the right word? Probably not. So I will change the subject by telling you all that my brother-in-law is from Lowell, MA from whence The Fighter hails. He is very excited about this fact.

7:59: Melissa Leo is swearing and thanking people who aren't in the room or the country. Awesome.

8:01: What if your job was the Guy In Charge Of Making Sure Kirk Douglas Doesn't Face Plant On Stage? That would be a sweaty job.

8:02: Sexy-off: Justin Timberlake or Mila Kunis? Discuss.

8:04: The Lost Thing wins for best animated short. Coincidentally, that is also how one could describe the chemistry between James Franco and Anne Hathawy.

8:07: I do like it that it looks like the Toy Story 3 guy is accepting his Oscar on the side of a road in south Georgia.

8:12: here is what Jame franco is tweeting during the commercials. Yep. Still boring.

8:13: Let's give some writers an award! And wear white dinner jackets! Be careful, Aaron Sorkin is going to try to snort you guys!

8:17: Another writer award! The King's Speech wins! The winner pulls a Liz Lemon and stands six feet away from the microphone. Love.

8:22: OH GOD NO, THE SINGING.

8:24: Please, anybody, stab me in the face right now.

8:25: "It's a boy in a girl suit?" quote from my daughter as she runs in the room. "Back to Barney!"

8:27: Russell! Brand! Is! Always! Shouting! And! I! Think! He! May! Have! A! Thyroid! Problem! Judging! By! His! Jutting! Eyeballs!

8:28: Jesus, they must have given out those Ambien juice pouches in all the gift bags.

8:30: Reese Witherspoon has pretty, glowy skin that is ACTUAL glowy, not neon. For that, I forgive the fake hair.

8:31: Hey! It's that fucking cocksucker store owner from goddamn Deadwood!

8:32: It's awesome that Christian Bale is going method for his next film: Santa Claus Before The Fattening.

8:34: A shot of random people in a balconey. Perhaps I should know who these random people are. Perhaps they are people brought in to glow in the dark so that James Franco can keep focused.

8:40: The old movie on the screen has old movie lines going through the movie AND the curtains. Excellent effects. Totally believeable.

8:42: Those flesh colored microphone nuggets people wear nowadays? Look like a) giant zits b) floating extra noses c) huge make-up colored moles d) all of the above.

8:43: Trent Reznor wins an Oscar! Maybe he'll liven this show up!

8:44: Oh, Matthew. You are the same color as my fake bamboo floors.

8:47: I mean, I get the whole Longhorn fan thing. I'm a Horns fan, too. But I would not actually dye my skin the color of the jerseys.

8:48: Acheivements in Sound Editing: ereasing all of the groans and whines from the audience as this show just gets slower and more weird.

8:50: the background behind the sound editing winner looks like he's riding the Tomorrowland Transit Authority ride.

8:53: By the time this show is over, I will have grown a beard just as impressive as Christian Bale's.

8:55: So Cate Blanchett bought her dress at the Anthropologie Backwards Dress Sale?

8:57: Rick Baker just thanked his wife like Tim Gunn talks about shoes. Excitedly, and with wavy hands.

9:00: Third award and nine nominations for Colleen Atwood. MAN, she kicks ass. Also, I'm wearing those gloves right now.

9:03: Randy Newman plays music in front of giant porthole showing clips from a movie we should all probably be watching instead of what we're watching right now.

9:06: You guys! Chuck is singing on the Oscars! That means explosions and spy-type things are imminent. Whew. Finally.

9:08: Also, with an Obama sighting in the mix, you have to think the Intersect is involved somehow.

9:12: At any moment, Leo is going to bust into the room, turn the whole damn thing on its side and I'm going to be all, "Ooooh, I'm DREAMING this crappy Oscar show. While I've fallen asleep in the car driving to HEB. I mean while I've fallen asleep in the car driving to HtExaBs."

9:16: This guy, with the hair? Someone let HIM host the rest of the show.

9:18: You guys. I don't even think I can make jokes any more at this point. I mean. I just. I don't. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?

9:20: OMG. One of Oprah's favorite things? Apparently a bra MADE OF DIRIGIBLES.

9:22: Maybe all of the acceptance speeches should be done with (in?) autotune.

9:25: Secret Millionaire. Another show I will never watch!

9:27: Here's how the phone call went, "Oh fucking shit, Billy, get your ass down here. Franco is high as balls, Anne is auditioning for fucking Fiddler at LA middle school, and Kirk Douglas just fell off the fucking stage. GET DOWN HERE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE IN THE HOT TUB WITH MEG. [pause] Just get down here. Bring Carrie fucking Fisher with you. Jesus Christ."

9:31: Thank God Robert Downy, Jr. and Jude Law are here to strip down and wrestle.

9:32: Oh no, wait. They're just here for more jokes about how crazy RDJ is. Yeah, you were crazy before Charlie Sheen went batshit. Now you're just a talented, adorable actor. Sad.

9:34: "The 83rd Annual Academy Awards will continue forever, because you are now trapped in a time vortex that is completely controlled by James Franco's backstage bong."

9:37: You guys! I've been so horrified by the Oscars I forgot to eat my Junior Mints! That must be the glitch in the Matrix. Hang on. everything is about to get better.

9:44: Oh, GwyPal, must you sing into a dildo?

9:45: Man, Gwyneth looks terrible. Girl needs a cheeseburger and some Theraflu.

9:46: Why can no one find the mic tonight? They're maybe mistaking it for some young starlet, lost on the stage?

9:48: The envelopes that announce the winners all look like the priority mail envelopes I use when my taxes are late and Turbo tax and I are fighting.

9:52: Uh-oh, it's a parade float of orchestra members and Celine fucking Dion making me want to stab my face.

9:56: And then a Lena Horne impersonator floats out on Oprah's boob dirigibles and we all clap.

9:57: Not really.

9:59: PS. what the fuck, forgetting Corey Haim? He is not Christian Bale's wife.

10:01: Ooh. Shiny, shiny blue dress. Someone skinned a Na'vi for that one.

10:03: You go, Tom Hooper! But don't chew your teeth like that. It's kind of horse-y. Thanks for the mention of The Triangle of Man Love, though. (Oh, man, many jokes could go here now).

10:06: Annette Bening continues to appear at awards shows as if she rides there on a motorcycle, sans helmet, in a tornado. I like it, though. She's like the crazy Einstein of Actresses of a Certain Age.

10:09: Bets on the next Hathaway dress? Dragon skin? A stole made of Joan Rivers?

10:11: Nope still skinned Na'vi.

10:12: Those Hathaway "WAHOO!s" after she mentions other famous people make me think Franco is goosing her.

10:14: Natalie Portman, all pregnant and round. Come on, come on, let's hear that dork laugh tonight.

10:17: She wins! But she's very serious. No laughing.

10:18: Also, I think the random (possibly glow-in-the-dark) people I was talking about before are part of Natalie Portman's family. You know, FYI.

10:19: Lovely lady, that Sandy Bullock. She should know better than an ass bow. Really.

10:22: "You've inspired an entire generation" to Jesse Eisenberg. Inspired them to what? Be huge billionaire (exagerrated) assholes?

10:24: Oh don't show Furf weeping. I want to see him grinning. At me. In the dark. Right now.

10:25: Mr. Darcy wins! How has he only had two nominations? What? He is so staid and calm talking about abdominal stirrings that might mean dancing. Ha.

10:29: A commercial for Tylenol cream?! Will it work as shampoo? Because we are all going to need a cleansing, pain-relieving shower after this mess.

10:31: Stephen Spielberg gets the Jurassic Park music when he comes out on stage? That seems weird. But whatever. At least Celine Dion wasn't singing it.

10:36: The Best Picture Oscar goes to The King's Speech! A movie I saw in the actual theatre. Huzzah!

10:37: So the awards have all been given out, yes? And they want us to stick around to hear kids sing a song? Don't they know you're supposed to fit that stuff in while they're stringing you along? Has no one learned anything from PTA meetings?

10:39: And now the kids from PS 22 sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow while Franco and Hathaway fly off into the sunset on Oprah's boob dirigibles. "And God bless us, everyone!" Franco shouts. "Wahoo!" replies Hathaway. "Wahooooooooo!"

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14 thoughts on “Liveblogging the Oscars!

  1. i know, right?! i just turned it on and am happy i didn’t have to suffer through the last 50 minutes and got caught up here… wow.. slow!

    Like

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