My eyes are so puffy I wish I could sleep on them

I have been a lazy blogger lately. For shame. I have a good excuse, though – I have been busy pretending to be fancy. And as you may or may not know, pretending to be fancy takes a lot of time. You have to take a lot of showers and poke your eyes with mascara wands and decide how much xanax is the perfect amount for sleep, but not so much that you'll wake up with head full of stabbing bales of cotton.

Stabbing bales of cotton?

You know what I mean.

Also, when you are pretending to be fancy, you have to be "on" all the time, which means fooling people into thinking you are actually charming instead of someone pretending to be charming. This requires engaging in multi-faceted conversations, limited swearing, and a variety of breath perfumes. It also requires a LOT of energy, because remembering people's names is hard, and even harder than that is remembering to be constantly vigilant about your overactive armpit sweat glands that require you to keep some extra distance between yourself and others so that you don't cause an Exxon Valdez type calamity but with armpit sweat and a cocktail party full of fancy people instead of oil and vulnerable animals.


I got to pretend to be fancy for a while, and this took a lot of preparation. Then it happened and it was awesome, then it took major recovery. I am still recovering.

And I wasn't even pretending to be THAT fancy. Just mid-list fancy. Which, if you know about publishing, isn't actually fancy at all. Unless you're typically trapped in your house chasing after kids and never get out. Then it's mega fancy because it requires bathing and ordering from menus.

In conclusion, I'm sorry to have been away from the blog for nine days. But there are at least three more librarians in the world who have bought my books, and I got to tell a dirty story in front of people. So it's been a very win-win bunch of days.

At some point, there may be a link online to the dirty storytelling, so I will let you know.

Until then: I am going to eat my weight in Advil and apologetically consult the Easter bunny, because OH SHIT you guys, Easter is this Sunday!

Also, I'm going to try to keep writing books because it's fun and I like to pretend to be fancy every now and then.

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