OK, my friends. Spend the afternoon getting done whatever it is you have to get done so that you can join me this evening for some fun-filled, Jane Lynch-hosted, TV-show-mocking, spelling-challenged, minute-by-minute, shared-assholery.
If tonight is anything like previous liveblogs, there will lots of inappropriate metaphors! There will be lots of commenting about boobs! There will be lots of swearing!
So get caffeinated and crate the kids. The clock is ticking.
4:16 – Clear eyes! Full hearts! Can't lose! (just had to add this in before everything starts)
6:16 – No pre-show liveblogging because the Cowboys and 49ers just went into overtime. But we can imagine the inanity if we want.
(pretend) 6:17 – [dress/boobs joke]
(pretend) 6:18 – [joke about the idiocy of question just posed to famous person sweating in a suit]
(pretend) 6:19 – [Two and Half Men joke]
6:32 – I'm seeing lots of OMGWTFBBQ??!!!111!!1 tweets about Gwyneth Paltrow's dress. I can't see it, so I'm going to guess what it looks like. Organic fake Rhino skin dyed purple, with handsewn buttons and "GOOP" lettered across the bosom in homemade glitter. Am I close?
6:45 – Dude with the dyed hair doing the interviewing on the pre-show. Who is he? He totally just pulled a Joan Rivers, telling Timothy Olyphant he must be familiar with Emmy's since he's been on Emmy-winning shows like The Office. Timothy was all, "Uh, I was on The Office for, like, 5 minutes." Too bad Al Swearingen didn't show up shouting [SIDE NOTE: ALL RELATIVES OF MINE, AND ANYONE WITH ANY SENSIBILITIES, DON'T READ THE NEXT SENTENCE], "Hey, you cocksucking taint smear! Your knowledge of fucking incredible TV shows is about as clear as my fucking knowledge of how to trim a goddamn buffalo's ass-infested beard."
6:58 – I eat my dinner in 2 minutes and yell at everyone in the room to BE QUIET.
6:59 – "An evening of fun, frolicks and frogs". Wait, what? Oh, frocks. Gotcha. I am so bad with accents. I'm accentcist.
7:04 – This opening number reminds me of something you'd see on the ride that's in the giant silver Epcot ball.
7:06 – "Who here loves television?!" asks Jane Lynch. My 5yo just started jumping and clapping. Oops.
7:10 – There's a Greek chorus for the Emmy's this year. Euripides FTW!
7:15 – Julie Bowen wins for Supporting Actress in a comedy. I was just about to write about how she's way funnier than I thought she could be, but now I'm distracted because her dress looks like an Anaconda is eating her from the feet up. It's aaaaalmost consumed her boobs. But not quite.
7:17 – Juliana Margulies is wearing an oilskin top with very perfectly spaced out water droplets.
7:19 – Ike-a-saurus just ran into the room with a harmonica SO I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING ANYONE IS SAYING. But Ty whathisname looks tan and debonair. Much like a skinny Cary Grant with a carrot eating problem.
7:21 – During the commercials I ponder how people get paid to liveblog these shows. But that's OK. I don't need money. I'm the indie band of liveblogging. I'm Arcade Fire from 2004. Except with 7 less members. I play the hurdy gurdy for applause. I'm playing it right now.
7:24 – Right now.
7:26 – Ricky Gervaise. Funny the first 900 million times.
7:28 – It's a Modern Family sweep! That will teach me to TiVo a show and then forget to watch it and then watch an episode and think its hilarious and then forget to watch the rest. Also, the Modern Family director looks like the Don Draper on 30 Rock. (Restless Leg Syndrome joke here)
7:30 – Zooey Deschanel. So cute. If she said Willy Wonka made her dress out of Infinity-Lasting Bubblegum, I would totally believe her.
7:34 – Couple of girl names in that list of Modern Family writers. I wonder what would happen if a show about families was written by mostly women with families? A rip in the spacetime contiuum, maybe. But it would be a hilarious rip.
7:37 – I mean, really. Did you hear the laugh the comedy writer's wife got? UNTAPPED TALENT, HOLLYWOOD. Your ratings just went up with only an eyeroll. Just think if you let us use words!
7:40 – The backdrop is crying as Charlie Sheen speaks.
7:42 – Jim Parsons wins! I have recently learned that he is not the actor I thought he was. But he IS the guy my friend went to high school with. That part I got right. One day I will watch his show. Why don't I watch that show? Everyone tells me to watch that show.
7:44 – These women are fucking hilarious. I hope this was all unplanned except for the part where they secretly planned it in the bathroom beforehand.
7:47 – Melissa McCarthy wins! I'm going to pretend it's for Gilmore Girls. And I love that she just mouthed "Holy shit!" because yeah. HOLY SHIT, MELISSA.
7:50 – I almost just threw up. Not Emmy related. Probably too much Advil related.
7:51 – You're welcome for that update.
7:56 – My two biggest laughs of the night have been due to Amy Poehler. And not one of them was because of her dress (because her dress looks much like my most favorite unitard from when I was 10)
8:00 – "I've had the smallest of aneurysms watching that clip." Ha.
8:02 – Reality TV award brought to you by Kryptonite.
8:03 – I do enjoy watching the Amazing Race, though. As long as there aren't asshole fighting people. So, kind of never. But sometimes.
8:04 – When are they going to add Reality TV to the variety writing category? We all know they have writers. Whoever scripts Roseanne's Nuts? That person should get to wear a blue unitard to the Emmy's.
8:06 – This is the best.speech.ever. HAHA. The Daily Show writers are funny. They are funny for writing things. The things that are funny.
8:08 – though I can't help but say – where are the girl writers? Can you imagine girl writers on that stage? Some of them even with brown faces? #ibelieve
8:10 – I just hashtagged a blog snippet. I feel like there should be a shock collar preventing things like that.
8:11 – The Shock Collar Of Not Mixing Social Media Niblets.
8:12 – And then, The Shock Collar Of Writing Capitalized Words In Sentences. BZZZT. BZZZT.
8:14 – I don't know what's happening, but there were more unitards, so I feel like I have the theme of the evening pegged.
8:16 – America! Fuck yeah!
8:18 – The best part of all the cutaways to Jimmy Fallon is that I get to see Idris Elba behind him.
8:20 – Hey! There's another Willy Wonka Infinite Lasting Bubblegum dress!
8:25 – Velocity Credit Union commercial involves a jetpack and what looks like my neighborhood. Doesn't seem burn ban friendly, but does seem AWESOME.
8:26 – Come on, come on, come on Friday Night Lights.
8:29 – I'm totally into the background colors right now. Very Younicorn friendly. (Bear with me. I'll add a picture later when I find my phone)
8:30 – Jason Katims wins for Friday Night Lights! I cry tears of happiness and I seek out Tim Riggins to wipe them away for me.
8:34 – I love the weepy spouse shots when the winners are announced. Sweet, weepy spouses.
8:38 – You can get an Audi that reads your handwriting. New plan: Buy son's teacher an Audi. Teach it how to understand my son's handwriting. Have teacher's Audi grade son's homework.
8:40 – Oh, Dr. Romano. I will always and forever see you as being menaced by a helicopter.
8:42 – Scorsese's eyebrows are all, "Absorb the light, keep the reflection off the glasses, let's do our jobs, it's our show tonight!"
8:45 – Oh! Yay! Peter Dinklage! He's in my next book! (Well, not really, but he'll be in the movie adaptation. After I finish writing the book. And sell it. And then it gets published. And then people buy it. And then the movie rights sell. After all that. So be on alert, Peter!)
8:52 – My 9yo wants to leave his bedroom door open so "I can fall asleep listening to the Emmy's. I think it will help me relax."
8:54 – My heart got fast beat-y for this one and then Connie Britton lost to Juliana Margulies. Now Juliana's dress is crying for me. Never fear, Connie! You have still won the Emmy I will make for you out of paper mache and unicorn tears.
8:56 – Somebody flocked Drew Barrymore's dress with skin-colored fake snow.
8:58 – Kyle Chandler! Kyle Chandler! Kyle Chandler! I just shouted WOOO and did a touchdown sign with my arms.
8:59 – Austin, TX shoutout! We love you, Kyle! We'll fill standiums for you anytime! (Except, kind of we're filling them just to get a glimpse of Tim Riggins. But that's OK! We love you, too!)
9:04 – I would eat more Campbell's soup – if I had a sieve I could pour it through that would remove all the freaking MSG.
9:06 – Oh, Downton Abbey. I just gasped when I saw you. You're the Tim Riggins of Masterpiece Theater melodramas.
9:09 – Downton Abbey wins for writing, even though it's kind of weird for it to be nominated for mini-series since it's going to have a second season. I don't care, though, because YAY. Love this show! Also, what a terrible sentence just there. Whoa, self.
9:11 – Yay, Maggie Smith! Also, good move to not be there to accept your award from the Entourage guys.
9:12 – and now it's time for Cheetos
9:14 – and, yes, I realize I was just railing against MSG and am not about to dye my innards orange with it. Hypocrisy, I embrace you and your salty yumminess!
9:17 – I wish the accountants were wearing those wave-spotted unitards from earlier.
9:21 – Barry Pepper and Maggie Smith are off in a champagne room together, aren't they?
9:23 – This isn't supposed to be funny, right? The Hallelujah singing with the fog before the In Memoriam?
9:25 – I feel like Shrek is about to burst through the In Memoriam screen Kool-Aid Man style.
9:29 – OK. That mess is over. This means we're half-way through, right?
9:33 – Man, I'd love to go out drinking pints with Kate Winslet.
9:35 – I'd like to never hear anyone say "insert" on the Emmy stage, ever again.
9:37 – Does this give Kate an EGOT?! Tracy Jordan, give up the necklace, man.
9:41 – OK, I've researched. No EGOT yet, but all she needs is a Tony. That shouldn't be too hard, right?
9:44 – "You might recognize him as the voice of Don Cheadle… Don Cheadle!" Haha. Also, the joke before that about the film actors stealing jobs from TV actors who then have to voice video games that get turned into movies that the film actors also star in… was great. And way funnier when Jane Lynch said it.
9:46 – Downton Abbey! I wish there was a picture of the castle with Melissa McCarthy's tiara on it.
9:47 – ALL OF AUSTIN SHAKES IT'S FIST AT YOU, MAD MEN! Well, maybe not all of Austin. But I do.
9:49 – I will finally get a good look at Gwyneth's fake organic rhino skinned glittery GOOP chested dress you were all freaking out about.
9:55 – Oh, that dress isn't so bad, you guys. She just has henna'd boobs in a kind of I Dream of Jeannie After Dark thing going on. If it was bubble gum colored, then we could gasp.
9:58 – Modern Family wins big tonight. I hope they're able to free Julie Bowen from that anaconda now.
10:00 – I bet Jane Lynch and I are having the same thought right now: "Holy shit I could use a couple of Advil."