Made Up Animals of Russia

So I had this dream last night, where I was regaling the children with stories of animals that are possibly not real and/or are mysteriously cool, like chupacabras and pygmy elephants, respectively.

In the dream, I was talking about Black Russian Bats. In case you're wondering, there is no such thing as a Black Russian Bat. My subconscious made them up entirely. In the dream they were absolutely real, though. So you have to read the rest of this post in a reverent whisper, possibly with a flashlight shining up from your chin.

OK, here's the fake real story of Black Russian Bats, because I know you want to know:

Black Russian bats are small.
They are black.
They live in frigid Siberian caves.
They never leave the caves.

Seems like it would be hard for them to thrive, doesn't it? Well, they thrive just fine thank-you very much. But because of what?

Because of their super creepy eyes.


When the Black Russian bats get hungry, they open their orange eyes, all at the same time. And their eyes all begin to glow. This glow gives their frigid cave a comfortable, warm appearance, which attracts animals and humans.

Once the animals and humans enter the cave, expecting a place to warm their frosty digits from the frigid Siberian weather, the bats all attack in unison AND EAT EVERYONE.

Thank-you, dream, for this awesome story. May Black Russian bats enter the lore of creepy fake animals everywhere.

PS. I would like to attribute this dream to a combination of vodka and progesterone supplements. (Not mixed together, but consumed within proximity.) Thank-you, Tito's and modern medicine!

One thought on “Made Up Animals of Russia

  1. Your animals rock. I encourage you to continue your supplement/alcohol mixes. perhaps, next time you should try gin….


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