Here’s how it went down, my evening of unrest:

Me: It's 7:22 and Daddy isn't home from work yet.

Kids: [random high-pitched screaming while punching each other]

Me: It's been 12 hours. Six of those hours were spent running errands and going to appointments.

Kids: [pooping in backyard]

Me: I'm going to go take a shower after I clean up the poop in the yard.

Kids: [screeching laughter at the biggest turd even to be shat out in a yard by a three-year-old]

Me: Did you hear me? I'm going to go take a shower. With the door locked. Do not turn on any water, touch anything on fire, fool around with ice of any sort, or turn on anything gaseous. Do not mess with electricity. Do not mess with anything that is breathing – unless it's to pet the dog after you feed him. Do not eat anything yourselves. Stay away from all medicines, cleaners, liquids or poisons. Do not point anything at each other. And by "anything" I mean anything pointed, sharp, forked, wooden, plastic, metal, or blunt. Anything. Do not engage one another at all. Do not go to the bathroom anywhere other than a toilet – but not the toilet in the bathroom where I will be – with the door locked. Do not bother me. Don't come ask questions, don't slide notes under the door, don't yell things through the walls, don't bang on the pipes in the other bathroom. Do not jiggle the door handle. You may only politely knock if A) someone is blue – but not from markers B) someone is unconscious C) someone is bleeding enough for it to drip and make a puddle D) someone has an arm or leg pointing in the wrong direction.

Kids: Did you say something? We were too busy taking pictures of the enormous turd.

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