(Though, technically, it should be called a "live" blog, because all events will have already happened and will be foist upon us as taped proceedings. Thanks a lot, NBC.)
I am steadfastly ignoring all tweets, blogs, reports and status updates regarding tonight's Olympic opening ceremonies. Why? So I can "live"blog them without having been corrupted by (ie: without stealing from) other people who are funnier and/or more astute than I am.
So. I promise less astute, less funny, "live" blogging of the previously-recorded opening ceremonies. Sounds awesome, right? It all begins at 6:30 eastern time, so go get your dinner and put on your comfy pants. See you soon.
6:30: Aw, yeah. Here we go. Big Ben! Other clocks! Lots and lots of stopwatches! IT'S STARTING!
6:34: Union Jack! Stonehenge! Castles! Kate! Churchill! "An ancient ethos!" says someone who might be Ewan McGregor
6:36: Bob Costas is looking botoxed and plasticine tonight. His eyes are very Terminator-y. BOB COSTAS IS A KILLER ROBOT. (I think maybe we already knew this.)
6:38: Tom Brokaw's anti-terrorism tactic: cross your fingers, folks!
6:39: Kate again! (Georgia asks, "Ooh, is she the princess? Will she kiss the King at the end?" We can all hope so.)
6:42: Ann Curry just streaked behind Matt and Meredith, flashing double middles, all "EFF YOU, EFFERSSSSS!"
6:43: Not really.
6:44: While I ignore Matt and Meredith I can see a giant fan thing that looks like those boats from Swamp People, and some Settlers of Catan fencing and some geese. V. Exciting.
6:46: Interview with the big bright shining stars of the US women's gymnastic team. I approve of everyone shoes except for Mr. Seacrest's.
CLARIFICATION: Ryan Seacrest is not part of the US women's gymnastic team
6:48: Georgia says, "Oh, Justin Beaver. He is so cute."
6:51: Wheat! Flowers! Umbrellas! Fast trains! Geese! Fancy people! Rowing! Cricket! A floating pig!
6:52: Thaaaaames iiiin spaaaaace
6:54: Bradley Wiggins! Famous Keeper for Hufflepuff.
6:55: No, he's a cyclist. Dammit.
6:56: Everyone in the stadium is sitting amongst spatulas, listening to children singing O Danny Boy.
*adds whiskey to coffee*
6:57: I am not sure what is happening here. Scenes of soccer excite the crowd. Kids continue singing. There are lots of spatulas in the audience. I think maybe Charles Dickens is cimbing a hill in the shape of a spaceship.
6:59: The overwhelming green-ness of the background is making Kenneth Branaugh look like a hobbit.
7:02: Matt Lauer warns that what's coming next is something ominous. Dirty people come shooting out of the ground like fire ants. Aaaaaahhhh!
7:04: The dirty people are dismantling the Settlers of Catan stuff, while a whole bunch of Charles Dickens guys fool around with their top hats. Now the Dickens guys are popping and locking! Yes!
7:06: Are those smoke stacks, or is the Industrial Revolution just happy to see me?
7:09: War part. Hats off. Everyone look for Matthew Crawley.
7:11: We are anxiously awaiting Mary Poppins vs. Voldemort. That's happening isn't it? IT HAS TO HAPPEN.
7:13: Fire! Very popular with the children in the room.
7:15: Drums and rings and chimney sweeps and yawns and then the rings RAIN FIRE and we all start paying attention again.
7:17: Upon sight of the flaming rings, Georgia has started singing the Star Spangled Banner.
7:21: Ermahgerd! Dernierl Cerg!
7:23: Daniel Craig has on his Very Serious Duck Face.
7:24: Very Serious Duck Face things are about to happen. I can tell because there's a helicopter.
7:25: The Queen totally just jumped out of a helicopter. And THAT'S why Daniel Craig had on his Very Serious Duck Face.
7:27: Georgia: Who is that lady?
Me: the Queen
Georgia: The Queen of Texas?
7:29: The Queen still looks a little stunned from her parachuting adventure.
7:32: Great Ormond Street Hospital! I have friends whose kids have had some miraculous surgeries there. And yet, they never once told me about the trampoline beds.
7:37: JK Rowling! JK Rowling! The kids in the room just went CRAZY.
7:38: Voldemort! And now here come all the Mary Poppinses to save us! This is so cool.
7:41: These lighted duvets are available at Ikea, by they way. Blernskërtlit.
7:43: GIANT CREEPY SLEEPING BABY. Aaaaaand scene.
7:46: If only the fight between Voldemort and Mary Poppins had happened in slow motion to the Chariots of Fire orchestral rendering. COME ON DANNY BOYLE.
7:48: The kids are loving Rowan Atkinson. Oh man, I wish I had them on video. They're cracking me up more than he is. (Though he's doing a pretty good job, too.)
7:51: Olympic fart joke! Thank-you, London.
7:57: British TV homage thing. With Internet-y stuff. And rain. And a kid. Giant glow worms spinning. Moms yelling at kids to put their digital crap down.
8:00: Lampshade dresses. Also available at Ikea. Lämpershnïrt.
8:01: Ann Curry streaks by again! "EFF YOU EFFERSSSSS!"
8:02: Fake David Bowie. Jet packs. Now we're talking.
8:05: I've finished my coffee. Uh-oh. Also, I haven't had dinner yet. Also, there are too many commericals. Also, my couch is full of children who just consumed a whole thing of ice cream while I was blogging. o.O
8:07: How are these lost teen lovers texting each other if it's the 80s? I'm so confused! EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, ANNIE LENNOX.
8:08: Ooh. Prodigy. Nice job not playing "Smack My Bitch Up" Mr. Boyle.
8:10: Rapper appears and Matt Lauer says, "And now the parents' nightmare gets worse!" Smooth…
8:13: *falls asleep*
8:14: David Beckham! *wakes up*
8:17: MORE COMMERCIALS. MY FACE HURTS FROM FROWNING AT THESE COMMERCIALS.
8:19: Georgia just asked, "When are they going to start doing their, um, tricks?" Again, good question.
8:20: If Bob Costas and Dick Clark had a baby, and then dressed the baby in a shiny suit, and then gave the baby those weird little half boots, this baby would be Ryan Seacrest.
8:22: So the Dowager Countess is coming out next, right? Via parallel bars on a Swamp People boat? With a lighted, feathered hat? Yes?
8:24: Nope. Parade of Nations.
8:28: OK. I'm not going to liveblog the parade of nations, y'all. But keep an eye out for Ann Curry. I hear her plan is to run up the hobbit hill, leap into the crowd, kiss Kate Middleton on the lips, and then renounce her US citizenship. So, you know, pay attention.
8:29: Also, IT'S THE OLYMPICS, YOU GUYS! HOORAY!