With sincere apologies to Laura Numeroff (and, really, to everyone)

If you toot in front of the preschool,
your child will call you out in front of everyone.

When your child calls you out in front of everyone,
you will lie and say that it's thundering (even if it's sunny outside).

When you lie and say that it's thundering,
you will feel very guilty because this is a *church* preschool.

Feeling guilty will make you apologize.
To God. 

You look for a rainbow to see if God heard your prayer.
Looking for a rainbow makes you think of unicorns.

And their farts.

"Why aren't unicorns real?" you wonder. "Narwhals are real."
Thinking about narwhals will remind you of a story you wrote once.

You hurry home.
You dig through your notebooks, then remember the narwhal story is on your computer. 

You sit down at your computer to find that story,
but then your Facebook tab is open and you see something about a fish climbing a tree and forget why you were at your computer in the first place.

Forgetting about things while at your computer is hungry work.
You look for a snack.

Ooh. You find a cinnamon roll.
Then you remember: it's actually against the law to eat a cinnamon roll without also having a nice cup of coffee.

You make coffee.
And compliment yourself on remembering all the laws of cinnamon rolls.

Sitting back down at your computer you have a hazy recollection of horned beasts and God.
What day is it again?

Better find the calendar.
That's right. Monday.

Mondays are so nice sometimes. No really.
They can be quiet. Perfect for working.

Crap! You should be working!
THAT'S why you were at your computer!

You settle in to revise a manuscript when you start to feel itchy.
Not actual itchy, itchy-inside-your-brain itchy.

Is your brain itchy because of too much coffee?
No, that's not it.

Is your brain itchy because you're growing a unicorn horn?
No, you feel no horn stumps.

Maybe you need more coffee to figure out why your brain is so itchy.
You go make more coffee.

While you're in the kitchen making more coffee you see the clock. Oh no!
It's already time to pick up your kiddo from preschool!

You chug the coffee and run out the door.
Whew! On time. Your kiddo kisses you hello and walks with you outside.

This is when you find yourself amongst a crowd of kids and parents.
You also find yourself with a tinge of indigestion.

And chance are, if you find yourself amongst kids and parents, AND you recognize a tinge of indigestion,
you will also find yourself apologizing to God

Because you've just lied and told everyone it's thundering
thanks to your child calling you out  
for tooting in front of the preschool.

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