This Child

this child, whose ribs I can count
this child, whose scars fade more every year
this child, fills me up
ever-expanding
a black hole of love
sucking in all fear and doubt
and leaving such gravity inside me
that I find it, sometimes, hard to move
when I look at him

Compression capris

The women in my neighborhood all wear compression capris.
Their thighs are homogenized in black.
They march independently of one another up and down the street
with dogs, with sunglasses, with tethers to music.

They walk past briskly, slowly, trudging, speeding and I keep wondering,
what else with these women is molded and smoothed and carefully crafted 
even as it trembles against physics, and wants to explode?
What else gasps for air in that thin layer between reality and suffocation?

Maybe thoughts of the guy at work who tells fat girl jokes.
Maybe worries about GMOs and world peace and gun control.
Maybe wanton thoughts about Ryan Gosling.
Maybe wanton thoughts about his girlfriend.

And so I buy my own compression capris and I wear them as I walk.
But the pair I squeeze into, the pair that make me sweat and stretch,
the pair that hides my truths and flaws, the pair on sale for fifty percent off —
This pair I bought… is blue. 

We’ve all been thinking a lot about the second amendment lately

and I think we can all agree on one, fundamental question. How can we get more muskets into the hands of men, women, and children in this country? I know that because of time and technological advancements it is now quite difficult to come by muskets in everyday life. This is why I propose a Musket BuyBack Program from all museums, attics, roadside attractions in Massachessetts, basements, elderly people's houses, antique dealers, and hoarders.

With this federal investment, we can allocate muskets to everyone who wants to be part of our country's well regulated militia. Once you are given your musket, and accepted into the militia, we will require a few things of you to prove you are worthy of being a rascally rebel intent on helping our country remain secure. 

First: we will send an actor on a horse through your town square. You will be required to figure out which country he is from, and you will be required to run to all your friends and warn them that he and his country are planning an attack. If need be, you may ring a bell as you are running. (Please do not shoot the actor or stab him with a bayonet, as this is only a drill.)

Second: If you know anyone named "Arnold" or "Benedict" take his musket and whack him over the head with it.

Third: Forget about Freedom Fries. You love France now. You fucking love those prissy bastards. Why? Because when you figure our your musket is shit, they might send you a new state-of-the-art 18th century rifle, if you ask nice enough. Maybe. But you'll probably have to send over a super smart dude to convince them of all of this. Just, you know, start liking France.

Fourth: Entertain the notion of allowing your slaves to buy their freedom from you, so that they, too, can be given a musket and join the militia. It takes all kinds to help secure our country, even people who are brown and/or female. Just think about it. That's all I'm asking.

Fifth: If you prove you are able to maintain your musket without shooting yourself, your family, or innocent bystanders, you will be given a bayonet to add to the musket. Congratulations. Your ability to support your country's militia just improved tenfold. 

OK. Now we just ask that you please take care of your new musket. Please learn to shoot it. And if you have any other weapons in your household (such as M4-type automatic rifles with high capacity magazines) please know that these weapons have no place in the 18th century militia that our Constitution protects, so please shut the fuck up about your right to bear arms. We have given you the arms your Constitution requires and now we request that you shut your ignorant, self-serving, dangerous pie hole. If you do so, we might let you shoot the town cannon. But only if you're nice.

Thank you. 

Hey nerds, it’s the Golden Globes!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting!

I just got home from a weekend writing retreat where I managed to cut 11,000 words from a manuscript, but add more than 14,000. My brain is toast you guys. It is crispy and smoking. Also, at some point in the very near future I have to administer eye drops to the wiggly pink-eyed 4-year-old, and I have to take a moment to completely freak out that my husband is about to be gone for five days on business.

HOWEVER. I can't NOT watch the Golden Globes, right? And if I'm watching I might as well be talking to you about it, right? Tonight might not be as involved as other live blogs, but I'm attempting it.

7:00: Bill Murray looks like a hamster! Tina Fey has Ariel the Mermaid hair!

7:05: For just a second there Tina Fey got all slouchy and then she glanced off camera and suddenly straightened up. Is her mom backstage? Cool.

7:07: My daughter just told me that everyone looks sweaty and nervous. She also said that Daniel Day Lewis is not as handsome as her daddy.

7:10: A guy I don't know from a movie I haven't seen just won an award! The inside of my mouth itches. These tow things are hopefully unrelated.

7:12: My dog just sat in the corner and scratched his ass for twenty minutes and the giant hairball that rolled off is now on Dennis Quaid's head.

7:14: Someone from Downton Abby won a thing but I didn't hear it because the kids are yelling, "STOP SITTING ON SAM" and "CHECK ON ME EVERY TIME ALL THE TIMES ALL NIGHT WHILE I'M SLEEPING" and someone is shaking a piggybank.

7:14.50: Ike is breakdancing and leaking pink eye juice all over the remote.

7:17: Alex P. Keaton REBORN! Michale J. Fox's kid looks just like him! This comment brought to you by Exhausted Captain Obvious.

7:20: Again, I missed who won and what it was for. Wait, wait, it's Game Change! I loved that movie! It's the only thing that ever made me feel bad for Sarah Palin for about five minutes. Also, Julianne Moore's dress is gorgeous. She looks like a Barnett Newman painting.

7:22: Julianne Moore and her fancy pointy-shouldered dress wins for portraying Sarah Palin's dead stare. (Though I wish the Dog President girl had one.)

7:23: I do not even want to know why Catherine Zeta-Jones looks so sticky.

7:26: Every time I see Jon Hamm now, I think about his balls.  I don't really want to, but there you go. Can I sue Gawker for this? Was it Gawker? Can you sue a website for giving you Chronic Ball Thoughts?

7:28: (Please don't sue me now that I've infected you with Chronic Ball Thoughts.)

7:30: Whoa, dudes, you know those guys on the Star Trek movie with the faces that were stretched and pinned behind their ears? If you take those guys, and they make old lady babies with Liza Minelli, you will have this Hollywood Foreign Press lady. Awesome.

7:32: I live in the Best Exotic Dead Palm Tree House, so I'm inclined to be interested in the Marigold Hotel movie.

7:34: The ginger wins! I always forget he's British. Maybe he could bring some, uh, what's the word for when you bring someone to a thing and that person looks different than the other people who do that thing? He could bring that to Downton.

7:37: DIVERSITY! Whew. Ginger diversity. 

7:35: I keep wanting to say solidarity, but that's wrong. This is what happens when you write over 14,000 words in a 36 hour period. You forget simple but important words.

7:37: Also, OH, HI, SPOILERS, HOMELAND GUY. JESUS CHRIST.

7:43: Big Daddy Roseanne guy, whose name I can't remember because I'm exhuasted, has some kind of head shrinking disease, I'm afraid. Like Shrunken Head Syndrome? Tiny Headabetes?

7:45: Life of Pi is a book I have never read. Judge me now. I deserve it.

7:46: Why is J. Lo fanning her crotch?

7:48: Is it because she's standing next to Jason Statham? I would not look away if they started doing it right now. Truth.

7:50: Oh, yay, for Adele! I love her Skyfall song. AND she beat out the Les Mis song. And she's up there all "telly!" and "knickers!" and "pissing!" and "wankers!" and "wellies!" and "car boots!"Haha. The Dowager Countess would HATE HER GUTS.

7:55: BANDERSNATCH CUMMERBUND! I LOVE YOUR FACE.

7:57: I don't know what upsets me more: Kevin Costner beating Bandersnatch, or the fact that Jessica Alba's dress is the color of Chicken of the Sea Salmon.

7:59: Kevin Costner's speech: I was walking on a carpet and it was red and I walked on it and there were bodies I watched and stole and we watched movies and people like those things and I walked some more and then Gregory Peck. 

7:59:  DRUNKEN HOLLYWOOD SHITS ITSELF OVER BILL CLINTON

8:01: Bill Clinton is totally pre-hoarse from all the partying that's about to happen up in there.

8:03: Kristin Wiig is wearing a swimsuit! Will Ferrell is wearing Mark Twain ON HIS FACE.

8:05: This bit is amazing. The best thing in a million years. 

8:07: Jennifer Lawrence is funny. I didn't know that. I want to hang out with her and now she's crying and still funny and I would totally buy that girl a cosmo and talk about balls.

8:12: It doesn't really seem fair for Ed Harris to go up against the dude from New Girl. He was so super awesome with his swearing and wrinkles. It was a great scenery chewing part. Totally not even comparable to New Girl shenanigans.

8:14: Not that I don't love New Girl shenanigans. I'm just makign a point that no one cares about. In unrelated news, I have made a drink so now the spelling is going to go downhill. FYI.

8:16: I don't know what to feel about Anne Hathaway. I don't know how to feel about her. I wish her ears were pointier.

8:18: Anne Hathaway got the Thank you Foreign Press in there just in the nick of time! Lucky girl. That Star Trek/Liza Minnelli hybrid would cut a bitch, I think.

8:20: I think I just broke my foot with my computer charger. Oh holy craploads of swearwords that hurts. It's karma for calling that lady a Liza Minnelli hybrid, isn't?

8:23: To m, Amanda Seyfried (is that her name) will always be the girl with the bashed in head from Veronica Mars. So. Now you know.

8:24: One time I stood in a hotel lobby with Quentin Tarantino. He was wearing a sweatshirt with a scottie dog on it. Or something like that. I'm not really sure because I was afraid to stare directly at him. I love that he's thanking his critique group friends for not being allowed to critique him, because yes, dude, that's how we all feel, isn't it? "Thank you for letting me hear my own voice out loud in your house and for allowing me to *not* hear your voices which are annoying and have nothing to do with my actual self. You guys are awesome."

8:26: I feel uncomfortable when the first letter of a movie title is "s" and the last letters of the movie title are "emen."

8:28: Don Cheadle wins an award for a show I do not know. Does it have Veronica Mars in it? I feel like it does. omg my foot really hurts and this drink is super good.

8:30: Super excited there's a cream that will "fill in the sunken places" of my face. Does that work also for the sunken places in my backyard because it is a fucking swap back there. 

8:32: It's really too bad Dog President hasn't won more awards tonight.

8:34: Al Roker = shart. Jon Hamm = balls. 

8:36: So. If you take Arnold and you put him in a reverse Captain America machine he will turn into this guy who just won the director award for foreign movie. Shazam. (Side note: I love it when Austrians and Russians talk about "deez very talented ectors")

8:38: Claire Danes vs. Michele Dockery vs. Connie Britton is pretty much the best bunch of lady ectors to compete for this award.  

8:39: That girl on stage in a silver sparkly dress has a bent back horse leg. Take a look.

8:40: Why do they show Matt Lauer when Claire Danes talks about terrorism? Is he a terrorist? I need to watch more than three episodes of Homeland to find out, I guess!

8:47: My 10yo just came down to say, "Hey, this is the show where they show clips of all the movies we haven't seen, isn't it?" Yes, pretty much you nailed it, kid.

8:48: This Pixar dude is HAMMERED. He is using the LOUD DRUNK TALK that we are all very aware of from AWESOME PARTIES in COLLEGE. WOOOOOO.

8:51: Lena Dunham wins for Girls! She can finally pay her damn rent!

8:53: Oh, girl, thanking those ladies for helping you get through middle school is pretty much calling them old flabby boxes on national TV. GIRL, you should know better than that.

8:54: Is she wearing roller skates? What is happening on that stage?

9:00: Is Robert Downey Jr. wearing a courderoy suit? That seems warm.

9:01: Jodie Foster just tried to eat a hamster y'all. Things getting cray.

9:12: Jodie Foster looks fantastic. She seems crazier than I remember. This doesn't bother me, it's just an observation. I like that she just said watching her highlight reel is like a "home movie reel of nightmares." Also, her kids are adorable. And I respect how she's all "fuck you guys for wanting me to air my private life in public. I don't need a fragrance and a reality show. I have an amazing family. And I have privacy." And to her mama: "I know you're somewhere inside those blue eyes tonight." Man, what a speech.

9:18: Ben Affleck will never not be adorable. That is a true fact. Even with a shiny bat wing tuxedo and a scratchy looking beard.

9:19: It's important that more wizards be thanked.

9:20: It's also really, really important that you all agree with me about Bill Murray looking like a Russian Dwarf hamster tonight.

9:23: Yay, Girls! You can tell by looks on the faces of the crowd that they're all "wha huh? this is a show, or just girls in general are winning a Golden Globe? Where's my drink? What time is it?"

9:26: Oh whoa. Ewan McGregor standing next to George Clooney just made my insides go all twisty. SETTLE DOWN, LADY PARTS.

9:32: Jack Black was so good in Bernie and I know he's not going to win, but y'all make sure to watch that movie. He is so funny and sad and amazing.

9:40: I'm impressed by the movies this year. More so than usual. Maybe because I'm tired and haven't been paying attention to movies this year. Either way, it makes me want to forget about working or cleaning or cooking or whatever and just go see some movies while the kids are at school.

9:42: Spy Daddy and Sydney are both at the show tonight. I wonder who has had to sneak into the boiler room to beat up a Chinese guy carrying a mystical rock that can suck years off a face?

9:46: I'm so tired. My fingers are sore from typing like a maniac for three days. Why are there so many commercials? Oh good, Tina Fey is back.

9:48: Glossy hair. Side boob. Moderate baldness that might just be weird coloring of roots. 

9:50: Salt and pepper hair. No side boob. Weird Skyfall joke.

9:52: "A quicksilver imagination." What a lovely thing to say.

9:56: The tabs I have open in my browser right now are for Gmail, Kurt Vonnegut, Highlights Magazine, the school district, conjunctivitis, and Vigamox. In case you were wondering.

9:58: Oh, Hey, Julia. You're looking pretty and somewhat irritated. Hopefully, I look like that too right now!

10:00: Along with the announcement of the Best Drama Movie Golden Globe award it has also been announced in my living room that 2 of the 5 of our family members appear to have pink eye. I think that means I have to go now. Good night and good luck, my friends. And don't touch a remote control after your pink eye inflicted 4yo touches it.

 

 

Bill Murray is a hamster! You know it's true!