and I think we can all agree on one, fundamental question. How can we get more muskets into the hands of men, women, and children in this country? I know that because of time and technological advancements it is now quite difficult to come by muskets in everyday life. This is why I propose a Musket BuyBack Program from all museums, attics, roadside attractions in Massachessetts, basements, elderly people's houses, antique dealers, and hoarders.
With this federal investment, we can allocate muskets to everyone who wants to be part of our country's well regulated militia. Once you are given your musket, and accepted into the militia, we will require a few things of you to prove you are worthy of being a rascally rebel intent on helping our country remain secure.
First: we will send an actor on a horse through your town square. You will be required to figure out which country he is from, and you will be required to run to all your friends and warn them that he and his country are planning an attack. If need be, you may ring a bell as you are running. (Please do not shoot the actor or stab him with a bayonet, as this is only a drill.)
Second: If you know anyone named "Arnold" or "Benedict" take his musket and whack him over the head with it.
Third: Forget about Freedom Fries. You love France now. You fucking love those prissy bastards. Why? Because when you figure our your musket is shit, they might send you a new state-of-the-art 18th century rifle, if you ask nice enough. Maybe. But you'll probably have to send over a super smart dude to convince them of all of this. Just, you know, start liking France.
Fourth: Entertain the notion of allowing your slaves to buy their freedom from you, so that they, too, can be given a musket and join the militia. It takes all kinds to help secure our country, even people who are brown and/or female. Just think about it. That's all I'm asking.
Fifth: If you prove you are able to maintain your musket without shooting yourself, your family, or innocent bystanders, you will be given a bayonet to add to the musket. Congratulations. Your ability to support your country's militia just improved tenfold.
OK. Now we just ask that you please take care of your new musket. Please learn to shoot it. And if you have any other weapons in your household (such as M4-type automatic rifles with high capacity magazines) please know that these weapons have no place in the 18th century militia that our Constitution protects, so please shut the fuck up about your right to bear arms. We have given you the arms your Constitution requires and now we request that you shut your ignorant, self-serving, dangerous pie hole. If you do so, we might let you shoot the town cannon. But only if you're nice.