It's happening, nerds. As soon as the football game is over, I guess. So go frantically have a snack and pound some alcoholic beverages of your choice.
7 pm CST.
My living room.
Your living room.
6:59: PS. This is the ninth year I've been doing this. Can you believe that? [say this in your best Jeremy Piven voice] NINE YEARS. NINE YEARS, MAN.
7:03: It seems like, in 9 years, I would have come up with a better way to spend a Sunday night. But no way. Sparkles and boobs and fancy shoes and drunk celebrities and self-congratulatory awards? Who would miss that? NOT ME OR MY FIVE BLOG READERS, THAT'S WHO.
7:06: In an interesting coincidence with the beginning of this show… I am also doing my own dance montage right now. It's called Ignore Your Family As They All Scream Around You And Get Pissed Off That You're Sitting On The Couch And Not Helping With Anything.
7:14: Neil Patrick Harris. I love your eggplant-ish jacket and your skinny tie. But not more than Conan's Something About Mary hair. Everything else? Taking too long. Where are the dragons? Beheadings?
7:17: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler save the day with their 3D glasses and twerking jokes. "Take your pants off!" they yell to NPH. "Like everyone at home who's watching!" (I added that last part in myself. It's true, right? Are YOU wearing pants?)
7:18: Anna Chlumsky! It's nice to see she's grown up despite being killed by bees and starring in movies with Macaulay Culkin. It's too bad she just now got beat by the girl I don't know and who didn't have a speech.
7:20: *adds Nurse Jackie to TV watching list*
7:22: *writes Merrit Wever's acceptance speech for her so she'll have something to recite in the shower tomorrow when she's like OH SHIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED?*
7:27: Yay lady writers! Winning awards! I think maybe I just saw Tina Fey's whole boob, which I know I shouldn't mention because that is a thing a good feminist should not mention, but it made me feel a little weird and so I'm mentioning it. But yay lady writers!
7:28: Maybe we'll get to see Tony Hale's whole boob now!
7:30: I love it when the winners thank the people and places from which they came – instead of just their lawyers and acting coaches. An extra ten points to Tony Hale!
7:31: The crowd of conformists titters uncomfortably at the conformist joke.
7:34: I'm worried about Tina Fey and all the screen caps of her boob that are about to hit the internet. Let this be a lesson to us all – when worrying about your dress on stage, and hiking it around and fiddling with the bodice, just know that you are probably about to spill the EXACT secrets you were trying to prevent spilling. You are spilling these secrets BECAUSE OF YOUR FIDDLING, which means, of course, your mom is always right.
7:37: Jon Hamm is using facial hair to distract everyone from his freeballing. Fact.
7:39: Do two wins make a sweep? It's a Veep sweep! Also, I'd like Tony Hale to follow me around every single day, whispering in my ear the right things to say, and holding my stuff. I bet I'd fall down a lot less often if Tony Hale was there.
7:45: Another lady! Gail Mancuso wins for directing Modern Family. And there's another shout out to teachers (even with a rudely loud "get off the stage" song playing behind her).
7:49: Jim Parson's wins Emmys a LOT, doesn't he? He's adorable, but it definitely looks like he needs a cheeseburger. I would take him out for a cheeseburger. And we could flirt with our waiter in a kind of combination over who is most awkward.
7:50: I think Meathead just quoted Hyperbole and a Half in this Jean Stapleton tribute.
7:53: Can I also point out that the best actress comedy nominees did not get little snippets like the best actor comedy nominees did? What's up with that?
7:57: There's a joke full of irony I could make here. It has something to do with playing Liberace and getting throat cancer from cunnilingus and maybe it's not a joke but some kind of poingant statement about acting and stereotypes and whatever. But now I'm distracted by Elton John, who is wearing bright blue just like Tina Fey, and that's making me worried about the screen caps of her boob again.
7:58: I'm licking a wrecking ball right now, but it's not making this song go any faster.
8:01: I just grew Jon Hamm's beard and this song is still on.
8:03: There are weird giant red blood cells skating across the screen behind Matt Damon.
8:06: Does anyone else need a link to explain the Jon Hamm freeballing joke, or are we good?
8:09: Nevermind. You can find your own link. You might want to use the incognito part of your browser, though.
8:12: OMG THIS EXCESSIVE HOSTING THING IS THE WORST. That was a lot of time to spend not looking at Connie Britton's shiny, shiny hair. Thanks a lot, assholes.
8:13: And while I'm feeling cranky, why in seven hells is Julian Fellows nominated for best writing for Downton? I mean, yes, we all love that show, but this season? The writing? I would get in so much trouble for writing crappy plots like that. Who could get away with that? No one! No one except Julian Fellows.
8:16: I'm going to take a moment to liveblog my dog.
8:20: Now the dog is going to liveblog me.
8:20:50: buwgo' hpwrih'087467777777777777777777777
8:25: Oh, yay! More songs and dancing with and about NPH. If this is going to be NPH Night can he please do it as Dr. Horrible? MORE DR. HORRIBLE, LESS BORING STUFF.
8:26: Nathan Fillion is RIGHT THERE! COME ON.
8:28: *wanders off* *rummages for snack* *shaves off Jon Hamm beard*
8:29: *makes Project Runway dress out of Jon Hamm beard*
8:33: *reinvents kitty litter*
8:37: Dianne Carroll ogles the men actors. Jon Hamm's beard yells, "I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE."
8:38: Bobby Cannavale beats Peter Dinklage for best supporting actor in a drama. [Lannisters pay their debts joke goes here]
8:41: This year's Emmy's are off the rails, no? Nonsensical music number! Assasination video!
8:45: The Beatles! Carrie Underwood warbling classics! I just can't even.
8:47: *writhes on the floor, stuffs Wavy Lays into bleeding ears*
8:51: Luckily, we have ten minutes of commercials for every 4 minutes of show so the torture is somehow both slow AND energetic. Curse you, CBS. CURSE YOU.
8:54: I love it when Claire Danes wins Emmys because I feel like she's my best friend from high school and I'm so happy for her. It doesn't matter that we don't actually know each other, and that the person I think she is is actually a character on a TV show. DOESN'T MATTER. I love you, Claire Danes, and I'm so glad that you've won another Emmy and that you married someone who is nicer to you than Jordan Catalano ever was.
9:00: Netflix takes its first Emmy! Well, technically David Fincher wins for directing an episode of House of Cards, but you know what I mean. Did the earth just shake? Did you feel a rumble in the Force? Is anyone even still watching this disasterous Emmy presentation?
9:04: I hope my husband wins an award some day so he can thank me for being cruel and sexy.
9:07: Bob Newhart looks fantastic for being 175 years old.
9:08: I'm starting to feel really bad for alienating my family so that I could watch this show tonight.
9:12: Every time the 11yo comes in the room, the TV goes haywire. His magnetism is too much for the Leaf antenna. Watch out, middle school girls! If you're anything like a leaf antenna, you'll be pixelating yourself when this kid comes near you.
9:19: Because what we need is another singing/dancing/show montage right now. We totally need this. My life wouldn't be complete without this.
9:20: Hedi Klum is rocking the "I've just been staked" look tonight.
9:21: And Jeff Daniels wins for Best Choreography!
9:24: You know what would make this show better? If a body was found in the bathroom and Jane Rizzoli had to show up to investigate the murder. Then Dr. Isles would have to be there, too, in her peekaboo heels, and we would all laugh at their banter and then Stephen Colbert could be the red herring suspect until Jon Hamm's beard finally confesses to the crime.
9:25: Edie Falco seems seconds away from either bursting into hysterics, or yelling "This is bullshit!" and then riffing on her own.
9:32: I can't even make any more jokes about how many commercials there are. Just. So. Many. At least I've had plenty of opportunities to go to the bathroom and find a snack and ponder the future of network TV and wonder if I should go to Target to buy some clothes.
9:35: That'll do, pig. That'll do. (This is my requisite quote every time I see James Cromwell)
9:37: Kevin Spacey hits the camera, just like all of the rest of us have been wanting to do for the past one million hours.
9:41: I don't like the popularity contest clapping during the In Memoriam montage. And also, who decided who got special In Memoriam shout outs? It does not soothe me to think high school continues after you are gone. but mayeb I'm just cranky because this show is SO AWFUL.
9:43: The Grey Poupon commercial wins the night. We should just all go to bed now.
9:44: Let that sentence above speak for itself re: the quality of tonight's awards show.
9:49: Ellen Burstyn is bringing some Dorothy Zbornak to the stage tonight. Looking good, E.
9:52: No, Allstate, do not tell my kids to play outside in thunderstorms. That is a bad idea, I promise.
9:55: There hasn't been enough swearing in this liveblog. Nor has there been enough shenanigans. I apologize. No wait. I apologize. Goddammit. *shoots off confetti cannon*
9:59: Michael Douglas saves the day with sexy jokes. Well, he saves this five minutes. Where's Catherine, by the way? Was there a rehab situation? Did they split up? I don't really care that much, except I like that she had a trach when she was little, and so I worry about her throat sometimes.
10:02: Officially over time now, so… let's go to commercial! CBS. No.
10:03: But I forgive you because there was a Jordan Catalano reference.
10:06: Will Ferrell is acting out my life on that stage right now. You think it's funny, until it's actually happening to you. Mmm hmm.
10:07: "No you can't play Angry Birds!" [pause] "OK, 30 second turns on the tablet."
10:08: Modern Family wins for Best Comedy! Will Ferrell's kids have to go to the bathroom. Don't we all.
10:09: Breaking Bad wins for Best Drama. And I have to say, Vince Gilligan, you've done your fans proud. You kicked ass on the X-Files, and you continue to kick ass now. What does not kick ass, though? This show. This show is the opposite of kicking ass. And it has given me a headache. And NPH looks pissed as he says good-night.
10:10: What? No singing and dancing number to end the show? No song and dance about NPH and how he loves singing and dancing at the end of award presentations? Show, I am disappoint.
10:11: And I am OUT. Sorry for the torture, friends. Let's all blame Jon Hamm's beard and Tina Fey's boob. This show was a wreck from the beginning.