An open letter from Wendy Davis to all the dickheads, blowhards, racists, misogynists, head-shakers, paternalists, Bible-misinterpreters, glad-handers, apologists, and mansplainers

Keep it up with the Barbie bullshit. Use my gender and my hair color against me. Never stop doing that. Why? Because it proves a point without me ever having to say a word. If you don’t know what that point is (and I doubt that you do) then EVEN BETTER, ASSHOLES. Enjoy me, and every other Barbie and Fatty and Hottie and Sugar Tits joining together to kick your collective ass next November.

And just WAIT. If Van de Putte throws herself into the fray, you guys, I would almost feel sorry for you. Almost. That lady does not suffer fools. And you, my friends, are fools. I don’t say that as a boring insult, I say it as a fact. Who tries to make a state greater by maligning half of the population? Fools. Who tries to talk about job creation while making it incredibly difficult for anyone coming up in this state to get a decent education? Fools. Who talks about Jesus and God and Christians and church and then makes it nearly impossible to help the poor or heal the sick? Hypocritical fools. Between Bare Knuckles Van de Putte and my own army of vaginas and vagina-apologists, I might not be so smug if I were you.

“But Wendy,” you mansplain in your dulcet Southern tones, “you have no money. You’re a flash in the pan, honey. No self-respecting Texan wants a penis-less Blondie in the Governor’s mansion. While you’re giving out free abortions on the front steps, who will stand up for the children? Who will protect women from their own traitorous bodies? Who will continue to encourage corporations to dance naked through tax loopholes bigger than the state itself? WHO WILL KEEP JESUS IN ALL THE TEXTBOOKS?”

I understand your need to fret. I do. And covering your fretting with paternalist head-shaking adds a nice grandfatherly touch, I’ll give you that. But also? Fuck you.  

You know what Texas doesn’t need right now? More dudes using the auspices of “taking care of” and “protecting” and “reaching out to” their adorable, but confused, vagina-laden sheep who are clearly stumbling around in slutty circles not knowing which way to turn or which cliff to fall off of first.

If you want to take care of and protect and reach out to the people of Texas – if you want to be the benevolent guiding hand that helps everyone stay happily alive and employed and comfortable, you should take a deep breath. Because the only way that’s going to happen is when you shake my hand and say, “Congratulations, Madame Governor.”

So yeah, keep chucking and telling me how I’m doing it wrong. Keep giving interviews about misguided and naive Democratic hopefulness. Keep frantically gerrymandering and making it more and more difficult for anyone but privileged white people to vote. Keep doing all those things. When this race turns into a squeaker, you’re going to start having a lot of “oh shit” moments. And I really, really, really look forward to one of those being “Oh, shit, we really did underestimate her, didn’t we?”

Call this letter bravado. Call it posturing. Call it willful and ignorant. Call it whatever you want. But don’t call it bullshit.

And please, continue to underestimate Filibuster Barbie. Please write me off as a one-trick pony.

I fucking dare you.

xoxo,

Wendy  

 

[crossposted at ThisisWhyYouVoteForWendyDavis, a new pro-Wendy, pro-satire tumblr]

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