OK, nerds, the Golden Globes start in exactly almost an hour – or at least NBC coverage starts in exactly almost an hour. So. Go find some snacks and drinks, and then go find some muzzles for the small people in your house. Let's show Tina and Amy we know how to do this RIGHT. (And by RIGHT, I mean making increasingly incoherent snarky comments while watching a really long awards show from our couches, all alone, on a Sunday night, wearing pajama pants with lobsters on them, and nursing a headache that is centered exactly one inch above our collective left eyeball.)
LET'S DO THIS.
6:42: It's been so long since I've watched actual TV, I just mistook Matt Lauer for a shrunken James Cameron.
6:55: I'm having trouble with the leaf antenna. YES, I'M CALLING YOU OUT, LEAF. About every third word anyone says is garbled. Even though I'm pissed that this expensive antenna works A BILLION TIMES WORSE than the $20 Radio Shack job we just took to Goodwill, I will preservere. It will be like watching Golden Globes Mad Libs! Hooray! (*shakes fist at Leaf*)
7:00: 71st annual Golden Globes! This is also the 71st year I've been liveblogging the Golden Globes!
7:05: Look at the stage – there are slides! Please, please have the accountant people arrive on stage by zooming down those slides as they frantically clutch their briefcases.
7:06: Wait. Are there accountants for the Golden Globes? Is that just an Oscar thing? Do we care?
7:09: Wolf of Wall Street used the word fuck – or a derivation of the word fuck – 586 times in three hours. I am about to do the exact same thing with this live blog!
7:11: Can I just take a moment to say HELLO, TINA FEY HAIR PORN. I mean, WHAT. *fans self*
7:13: Jennifer Lawrence just said, "Oh shit!" as she tripped over a chair. I do that 700 times a day, which means I am super excited to become America's anti-sweetheart someday. Wooooooo.
7:15: Jacqueline Bisset wins a Golden Globe for Dancing on the Edge. Not for her portrayal of Maura's mother on the TNT show Rizzoli & Isles. Just in case you were confused. Which you weren't. I'm just clarifying for you while we all wait for her to get on stage which is taking one thousand hundred years because she got lost, wandered around the block and then staggered on stage from the wings.
7:16: They just did the 5-second delay beep before the actual bad word. Now the poor sound grip has to get in his Delorean, fight some terrorists, dodge a lightning bolt and fix his mistake. Otherwise THE WHOLE WORLD will have heard Jacqeuline Bisset say shit on TV and that will cause the universe to just buckle in on itself. Go sound grip, go! You're our only hope!
7:23: Behind the Candlabra [I can't fucking spell that word] wins for mini-series or TV movie. Camera cuts to Lorne Michaels who's like, "Oh, hey. I have zero things to do with this movie, but thumbs up!"
7:27: Elizabeth Moss is wearing a dress made of the sparkling carbon spawn that would crack out of a scaly egg if Tron and the Matrix were sentient beings that could make a scaly egg together.
7:29: Tom Hanks looks like a dried carrot that has been turned into a candle.
7:30: And by that I mean he is orange, but waxy, but lit from within.
7:34: BEGIN FUN FACT: The girl in the orange juice commercial with Jane Krakowski? The one who was on Arrested Development? The one whose name I can't remember? I have met her twice, both times before she was moderately famous, one time with pizza and (and ZZ Top in the elevator) involved, one time with a wedding involved, neither time with me saying more than "Uh, hello," involved. END FUN FACT.
7:35: Aw, nuts, the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press slid down ZERO SLIDES to get on stage. womp womp.
7:39: If Claus Oldenberg made a sculpture of small intestine villi, it would actually be this woman's dress.
7:42: Just think, this one night is probably responsible for earning the creator of Spanx enough money to buy a small private island. [complicated joke full of innuendo about small private islands and "small private islands" goes here]
7:45: I don't really want anything for my EYES that's called Miracle Blur. Thanks, but no thanks, brilliant marketing people.
7:47: OH FUCK. TAXES. Thanks for harshing my boner, turbotax commerical. Uuuuuuugh.
7:52: I am not a fan of the Russell Brand School Of Hairstyling favored by freaky hipster boys these days. Also, zip it, Sean Combs. YOU ARE NOT KANYE, EVERY MICROPHONE IS NOT YOUR MICROPHONE.
7:55: I know I say this every time, and I know you're tired of hearing me say it, but seriously you guys. For real. Nicole Kidman + giraffe = Taylor Swift. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE. DO NOT EVEN FRONT.
7:57: Hey there, The Edge. I want you to know that even though most people hated Zooropa, I liked it. And I liked your song the best. So there. (Also, good job with this Mandela song.)
8:01: Also, did everyone notice how Bono's body language was like FUCK YOU, DUDE, GET AWAY FROM ME, when Sean Combs tried to kiss him. Yep. Bono was totally like, "No means no, man." And then he squirmed away like a magician.
8:03: Rob Lowe is sporting KD Lang's hair from 1993.
8:06: I love that Olivia Wilde is rocking the "very sexy snake who has swallowed an egg" look.
8:10: Amy Adams is a fantastic actress and I thought she was amazing in American Hustle, but you guys, I loved Greta Gerwig in Frances Ha. Loved, loved, loved her. Loved her. Loved.
8:14: I just speed-ate a plate of potatoes. (which I first typed as potaters)
8:17: "I hate you! Jacqeuline Bisset hates you, too!" Haha. Oh, Amy Poehler. You make me laugh.
8:19: I knew it was going to be Robin Wright! I knew it. Claire Underwood is one complicated lady. She would have figured out – in five minutes – how to get someone to make her a pair of wax wings so she could fly up to the stage.
8:23: Jared Leto. Again with the Russell Brand School of Hairstyling. If he would lean on a wall, though, I would forgive him.
8:24: I would also like to take a moment to appreciate Jared Leto's eyelashes. Dear God.
8:29: Emma Thompson wins the Golden Globes, ladies and gentlemen. All of them.
8:31: It would be awesome if there were those vacuum chutes on stage. You know the ones they use at the bank or at the pharmacy? Only instead of money or drugs being sucked up into the tubes, the drunk and delirious actors and actresses are sucked into the chutes after they win their awards. Then they don't have to always walk the wrong way to try in vain to leave the stage. And we get to hear that awesome WHOOSH THUNK noise over and over again.
8:35: Paratroopers drop from the ceiling, lift Andy Samberg into the air, and drop him on the stage.
8:36: Just kidding. It's three days later and he's still trapped behind the American Hustle table.
8:42: Uh-oh, it's a surprise win from a foreign language film. These guys are going to have to call a cab, take the subway, hitch a ride with a trucker, ride a donkey into and out of a ravine, and then take a people mover to get to the stage.
8:46: Michael Douglas: who I won't call Colonel Angus. But who I really, really want to call Colonel Angus, but who who I won't, because that would be so tacky.
8:50: Hey! The accountants! Did anyone see if they came in on the slides? I was too busy yelling at my kids to go to sleep already, because jesus god school starts early and WHY ARE THEY STILL AWAKE AND PLEASE STOP TALKING.
8:52: "asymmetric wand that instantly volumizes from the root." Yeah, l'oreal. That's what he said.
8:56: Frances McDormand and Joel Cohen look like super hip and unamused parents sitting through an epic dance recital. "Well you said this would be well-rounding for the kids," "And YOU said it would only last two hours." "Do you have any of those organic dried fruits in your purse?" "No, I don't keep food in my bag anymore."
9:00: Labor Day: The Bridges of Madison County, but with Kate Winslet and a jailbreak.
9:05: I really, really need to see Blue Jasmine. And I really, really need to watch Annie Hall again.
9:07: Diane Keaton. And her suits. Let's take a moment and appreciate this continuity over the decades.
9:11: And now we all remember that we've been in love with Diane Keaton for as long as she's been in love with suits.
9:17: Pretty sure the announcer just said "Ben Aflac."
9:20: Alfonso Cuaron wins for Best Director, Motion Picture. And Sandra Bullock wins for Most Beautiful Trying Not To Cry-er. Side note: I read this great interview with Mr. Cuaron about all the movies he's directed and how different they are and how he's been told that's maybe not the smartest way to navigate his career. But for him it *is* the smartest way, because he's always looking for a new challenge and he's always mastering new things. As a writer who likes to write drastically different things I really respect this and I'd like to shake his hand.
9:26: I would also like to shake the guy's hand who just thanked his two-year-old "even though he's a nightmare."
9:27: Leo wins for Wolf of Wall Street. How do I feel about this? I feel like Christian Bale and his hairpiece and his belly totally smoked Leo's "I AM ON DRUUUUGS AND AM FUUUUCKED UPPPP" character. Totally smoked him. So. Hmph.
9:30: Reese. Witherspoon. Is. Talking. Really. Fast. Like. A. Robot. Who. Can. Read. Really. Well. But. Who. Has. No. Emotion. Please. Get. Me. Off. This. Stage. So. That. I. Can. Rifle. Throught. My. Gift. Bag. And. Drink. This. Wine. K. Thanks. Bye.
9:35: I get the actors who play Thor and Captain America confused. This guy is Thor, right? Does it matter? I will just gaze at his jawline for a little while. Nature, I respect you.
9:39: American Hustle win for Best Comedy or Musical. I loved it. Anything about science ovens is going to be tops with me.
9:41: Also: "First of all, I'd like to thank the Aca-Hollywood Foreign Press" They should just change their name to "the Aca-Hollywood Foreign Press" it would save everyone an awkward pause.
9:45: Leo was so busy being a dick about his movie being nominated as a "comedy" he forgot to thank all of his fellow actors. OOPS.
9:48: Cate Blanchett looks very elegant as she talks about vodka and barbituates. I would have a drink with her. But maybe not barbituates.
9:49: Jessica Chastain's hair. What is happening? Bacon grease-based hair gel? Dislike.
9:51: Mr. McConaughey. I would have a drink with you, too. And I would buy you a cheeseburger. Dude needs a cheeseburger.
9:56: I probably should have warned you before I started this live blog: I've spent the past three days in a cabin in the woods writing my face off. So pretty much, my brain is broken. It's amazing any of these sentences are even moderately complete.
9:58: Twelve Years a Slave wins for best motion picture – drama. Director Steve McQueen thanks his wife for finding the book. I want to thank her, too. I want to thank everyone who reads a book and loves it so much that they show it to other people – even if the other people aren't movie directors. It doesn't matter. Reading books and loving books and sharing books makes wonderful things happen.
10:00: I accidentally ended on a bit of an emotional note. Shoot.
10:01: Farts. Poop. Cocksucker.
10:02: There. That's better. Good night, y'all.