My globes are golden and my highball is full

6:41: Find your favorite drink! Look for some noise-canceling headphones! It's almost time.

6:42: Maybe I should do tonight's liveblog in haiku? Can it be sustained for all 900 hours of the telecast?

6:44:
if she had goggles
Emma Stone would be steampunk
I can't finish this haiku because my five-year-old just asked me what would happen if there were no more people or animals on the Earth.

6:51:
girl in the blue dress
screaming into her headset
'magine her armpits

6:55:
I don't think I can do this in haiku. I have too much to say. Like, why does Madonna's cleavage look like it was painted on with an eyeliner brush, and I'm so glad Martin Luther King worked as hard as he did so we can all buy refrigerators on sale tomorrow.

7:00:
I would be a lot more comfortable right now if I was wearing the same smoking jammies as Ricky Gervaise.

7:03:
Ricky G says "that worked" about a joke, camera cuts to Tina Fey who shakes her head very slightly. Oh, Tina, it's going to be a long night.

7:06:
I'm super glad pooping in the sink has already been mentioned on this telecast. It's been mentioned in my hosue today at least twice. I feel like a famous person!

7:07:
There are not enough people in this audience wearing eyepatches

7:09:
Jonah Hill appears to be aging backwards. I wonder if he was the naked man with a time machine running through Austin a couple of days ago?

7:12:
I wonder what Elle M. is hatching under that dress? I'm hoping baby dragons.

7:15:
I wish that Laura Linney had walked across the stage and given a Downton Abbey-esque intro. "Here we are tonight… trying to win awards… fight wars with one another… and remain chestally impressive in front of millions…. I hope that you sit back and enjoy… Masterpiece Globes."

7:19:
If you're going to paint yourself orange, ask to not stand next to someone with porcelain skin. #themoreyouknow

7:22:
Downton Abbey wins for best mini-series! I am going to dust my sideboard in celebration!

7:24:
Kate Winslet wins for Mildred Pierce! Has she EGOTed yet? I don't think so, but it has to be imminent. Apropos to nothing, her amber-colored bracelet is very nice. Also, I like that the top of her dress is kind of formalwear/workout/peepshow.

7:31:
vodka's kicking in
when McNuggets look so good
you whimper a bit

7:32:
Wait. THAT'S NOT LIZA MINELLI.

7:35:
Pooping in the sink mentioned again! Take a shot!

7:36:
Kelsey Grammar? Laura Dern? Is this the 1996 Golden Globes? What is happening here? I don't know any of these shows. Am I in college again? Too busy for TV? Am I the one with a time machine? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

7:38:
My best friend from high school! Her show just won a Golden Globe! Except she's not my best friend from high school, she is Claire Danes. But I always think I know her from high school.

7:41:
Oh, I have so been the dad in the crib. Except the mom in the crib. It's lucky my legs are short.

7:45:
Had to take a min-break there to quote the pooping in the street scene from bridesmaids with my dad. Carry on.

7:46:
Just as there aren't enough eyepatches in the world, there aren't enough people named Ludvic. Also, there isn't enough drink in my glass.

7:48:
Come on gnomes, BECOME A PHENOMENON. We all know you're the next thing after vampires and zombies and mermaids.

7:49:
I enjoy that my husband refers to Kelsey Grammer as "that Grammer idiot"

7:51:
Madonna looks great, despite the eyeliner cleavage. It kind of freaks me out that she's flustered, and getting played off the stage. It's like watching my childhood stumble and get played off the stage. RESPECT, PEOPLE.

7:56:
Let's pretend that the Golden Globes are being produced by the Miss America people. Here is a fun fact that should flash across your screen: DEBRA MESSING MADE AN 'A' IN HIGH SCHOOL WOOD SHOP.

7:58:
IDRIS ELBA CAN HULA HOOP AND PLAY PIANO AT THE SAME TIME

7:59:
BRAD PITT CARVED HIS WALKING STICK FROM THE LEG BONE OF A DINOSAUR

8:01:
Oh, Michelle Williams, I can't make fun of you because you make me cry and your hair is terribly cute.

8:03:
I'm serious about Zooey D. having Star Trek alien hair. You know, back with Captain Kirk, when the only way you knew the aliens were aliens was when their hair was just a tad different? Star Trek Alien Hair. The Next Big Thing.

8:06:
THIS COMMERCIAL CAMEL WAS IN THE DEBATE CLUB AT AGE 11.

8:08:
Go Peter Dinklage! I hope he knows my son has already cast him in my book that hasn't even been bought yet. He better not be too famous to take the job.

8:10:
GEORGE CLOONEY CAN DRIVE A CAR AND WHISTLE AT THE SAME TIME

8:13:
CHANNING TATUM ONCE BEAT UP A MAN USING ONLY HIS NECK

8:14:
I don't know why these fake Miss America fun facts are in all caps. Just imagine me shouting them from my couch. Probably in an English accent. I'll stop it.

8:20:
Here he is, folks, a ladies' man, man's man, man about town. Ewan McGregor! And his teeth!

8:22:
WOODY ALLEN CAN SPEAK SIX LANGUAGES AND BAKE A STRAWBERRY CAKE IN THE MICROWAVE. Oh, no more shouting. Forgot.

8:24:
Aw, man, Maggie Smith was ROBBED. Jessica Lange better make a Wind in the Willows joke, dammit.

8:29:
Madonna and Gervaise, the comedy duo of 2012! [deep sigh]

8:32:
THIS GUY ON STAGE WAS ONCE OFFERED A PART ON FRIENDS.

8:35:
Oh, no he didn't. Now Madeline Stowe has to punch Dustin Hoffman in the face.

8:36:
Third nomination and third win! Those are good odds, Claire Danes. Remember that time when you loved Jordan Catalano because he leaned on walls? That was awesome.

8:42:
Poop joke number three! Take a shot! Well, half a shot, because a sink was not mentioned.

8:43:
Tina Fey is wearing a dragon-hatching dress, too!

8:44:
Oh, Thomas Jayne in your hat and tie, my heart beats faster.

8:45:
MATT LEBLANC CAN SPEAK TO DOLPHINS

8:48:
OCTAVIA SPENCER! Oops, caps lock still on. Still. She was so great. I love her dress, too. I wonder if she has tuxedo fingernails like Zooey D.? Did she just thank Maria Shriver? What is happening?

8:50:
Didn't they pass a law that the commercials can't be louder than the show? Did they only pass this law because it's 2012 and they figured the world was ending so no one would pay attention if everyone violated it? I am paying attention and I want the TV people to listen up: QUIT IT, YOU NOISY FUCKERS. I DO NOT CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT LIPSTICK.

8:53:
Not one tebowing joke yet tonight. I'm so disappointed with myself.

8:54:
Reese Witherspoon! My dad just pointed out that she has the Holt chin, so we're probably related somehow. In case you were wondering.

8:57:
The dog stepped on the remote! I couldn't fix it. there was frantic fumbling. But then I got everything fixed and Sidney Poitier was still only on his second word. Whew.

8:59:
I notice they aren't showing any clips from The Electric Company here.

9:01:
MORGAN FREEMAN IS AFRAID OF WINDMILLS

9:02:
Yes! The Electric Company! They showed Morgan Freeman nekkid in a casket. Thank-you, Golden Globes.

9:06:
Do you see that? I think Morgan Freeman has glitter dandruff.

9:07:
Morgan Freeman might have a pet a unicorn.

9:08:
My mom and I have agreed that we could both use a giant steak right now.

9:11:
This live-blogging is going off the rails a little bit. Probably because I need to be eating a steak.

9:13:
Angelina's arms are looking terribly spindly. She needs some tips from Madonna, I think. Or she needs to help Brad carve his next walking stick. Or eat a cheeseburger.

9:16:
SALMA HAYEK ONCE WALKED ACROSS THE STREET WITHOUT ANYONE STARING

9:18:
Whiskey and Salma Hayek have effectively rendered my father unable to form complete sentences.

9:23:
If War Horse attacks a boat or flies in the basket of a bicycle or goes to live with aliens, I might go see it.

9:26:
The French guy is cute. And he swears, so that's a plus. (Caveat: I am married to a French guy who swears. Well, a guy of French heritage. BUT THAT COUNTS.)

9:31:
Everyone in this house agrees that Queen Latifah is gorgeous. We want her here eating steak with us. Even though we're not actually eating steak.

9:35:
My theory that Meryl Streep and Glenn Close both being nomatinated would be like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters and thus allow an opening for one of the littler weirdos to win was wrong. But that's OK, because Meryl is great, and she's funny and she's wearing a cowgirl dress with flesh-colored chesty-parts. (And thanks to Amy for the ghostbusters line, one of my favorite references ever.)

9:38:
Jane Fonda's looking… leopardy.

9:40:
The Arists wins, killing all chances of another pooping in the sink reference.

9:48:
Leo is looking dapper, and I'm not even a Leo fan. He has fancy boy eyes.

9:49:
Smoooth transition from full frontal joke to thanking the Hollywood Foreign Press, Clooney.

9:53:
If I made Kraft Homestyle Mac&Cheese for my kids, they'd be like, "What's wrong with this mac and cheese? What's this stuff on the top? Can you make it without the stuff on top? Why don't we have any hot dogs?"

9:55:
So do they not do In Memoriam at the Golden Globes? Or did they cut it because the show is running long? Seems like I should know the answer to this. But now I'm distracted because The Descendents won and they're playing Braddah Iz music and it's making me close my eyes and pretend I'm in Hawaii.

9:57:
Two authors remembered tonight in acceptance speeches. Right on.

9:58:
Now I go eat pistachios.

9:59:
KARI ANNE ROY ONCE MADE THE SWIM TEAM EVEN AFTER NEARLY DROWNING DURING TRY-OUTS

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