very big red butt
can fit down our small chimney
but I can’t wear jeans

we watched Charlie Brown
but all their voices have changed
Linus makes me cringe

shopping is not done
but stores are so crowded that
Santa will bring hugs

first time in six weeks
not a bad sacrifice for
bagels and donuts

neighbor’s christmas lights
quite spirited in the way
they blink. All. Night. Long.

Thanksgiving haiku!

pie filling tastes of
relatives’ holiday stress
eat store-bought instead

grandmother’s china
filled with turkey and gravy
all it’s ever known

Thanksgiving morning
It’s time for the parade! For
us all to ignore!

ah, sweet potatoes
please do not be mad that I
like your topping best

stuffing or dressing
a debate for the ages
‘cept that dressing wins

broccoli and rice
with butter, cheese and butter
and Phazyme sprinkles

on this occasion
will football be allowed, or
must I talk to you?

random haiku for you

grody crawling bug
is it really worth your life
to gnaw on my foot?

all the time: same pants
it’s unconscionably lame
but budget worthy

must be back to school
I’ve just bought seven new books
for no good reason

smell of number two
one part gnarly, two parts great
that’s pencils, not poo!

chewing fingernails
not America’s past time
but certainly mine

sometimes people suck
when do you learn this lesson?
can’t really be taught

speaking of some suck
being attacked by your town?
really quite uncool
(you’ll have to register to read the story. bastards.)

time wasting haiku
good for getting brain flowing
not good for deadlines


o lovely tuna
when mixed with mayo, pickles
you’re heaven on toast

the smell of fake wood
it’s worth a sneeze or fourteen
to give books a home

"service" light ignites
then it suddenly turns off
can ignore it, right?

a tinkle sticker
graces the back of my hand
wait. who’s being trained?

wee one cocks head, smiles
healthy snack surprise attack
wants "juicy apple"

faded bicycle
alone in the brown backyard
looks kind of forlorn

if those birds don’t quit
eating my new tomatoes
I will… well… be sad

do-gooder Clifford
always helping out others
he can kiss my butt


a summertime hue
like oven-roasted chicken
legs crackle in sun

it’s desperation
when the only thing TiVo’d
is show about boobs

I should have guessed that
even a show about boobs
sucks on A&E

texans have just as
many words for "damn hot" as
eskimos for "snow"

air-conditioned ears
just one big benefit from
my awesome haircut

fall dance class at 1?
but that’s the scared nap time
a tough decision

boring are these odes
even if like yoda wrote
still they suck some ass


it is so damn hot
my boobs melted together
big, gross uniboob

right. seriously.
car says it’s one eleven
and that’s not the time

tiny boy’s head sweat
soaks through the car seat padding
does not smell so great

hail the TV god
well, sure it’s not the playground
won’t cause heat stroke, though

Ode to Mamas

even with stretch marks
and that chunk of tummy flab
he loves you so much

five hour span of time
without getting hit, spat on
a perfect present

fifty dollar cut
not so expensive when you
just get one a year

take me out for food
not tenders, curly fries, milk
want wine, steak, veggies

to go poop alone
with door shut, locked, book in hand
great mom day present

homemade card, burnt toast
a gift that doesn’t need no
interest finance

babe says, "I love you"
that makes ev’ry single day
a great mother’s day