Dear Swine Flu, You Asshole,

First of all, up yours. Haven't you even heard it's not flu season anymore? Duh. What are you trying to prove, anyway? Your hemagglutinin is is longer and thicker than regular flu's hemagglutinin? Well, shut up. Nobody cares. Go get a giant belt buckle and leave us all alone.

Second of all, I realize that just the other day Governor Perry made a remark about seceding Texas from the union. He's a complete dumbass with a penchant for teabagging parties. I know that. You know that. Whatever. So what I'm saying is, sure we want him to recognize that Texas is indeed part of the USA, and that that's not a bad thing. Sure. But there are ways to make him fall to his knees and fellate the federal government, without infecting his state with a virulent disease requiring help from the CDC. I mean, I appreciate your patriotism, Swine Flu, but your methods are a little Twelve Monkeys, no?

Third of all, If the Twelve Monkeys thing goes the opposite way and Texas actually has to be cut off from the rest of the US so that we don't infect all of the intellectuals and adorable Midwesterners, you are going to be accused of being in cahoots with The Idiot Governor. The US will start calling Texas the Perryneal Colony and everyone will think of us as some kind of illegal country version of a MRSA-laced boil nestled on the country's taint. Plus, they will tsk-tsk at us while we die.

Fourth of all, If Texas gets quarantined and I can't get my trach baby out to Ohio to get his airway fixed, I am so going to be so fucking pissed, you do not even know. YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW.

Fifth of all, If the swine flu gets into my house, it will be strung up by its aforementioned hemagluggtinin(s) and "legally questioned" until Jack Bauer has to come over and say, "Wow, that's a lot of questions, maybe you should stop it."

Sixth of all, I won't stop it.

Seventh of all, I have installed an overhead blower by all the exterior-facing doors in my house. These blowers shoot down a gaseous version of Tamiflu on everyone who enters. I'm not bluffing.

Eighth of all, there is no eighth of all.

Ninth of all, up yours. that's right. I said it again.

Tenth of all, You made me say "taint" and "fellate" in a blog post my mom will read, and also my friend's mom will read, so don't you feel ashamed of yourself.

I'm sorry, Swine Flu, if this letter has seemed harsh or rude. I know we don't know each other. But, also, you are acting like a real asshole, thinking you're all stealthily infiltrating the US via Texas. You know what? That is so not an original idea. So not. Did you hear about the wall down there? It's anti-viral. Did you know that? Totally made of Microban, that wall. Again, not bluffing. Don't test me.

I hope this letter gives you something to think about, Swine Flu. There's that saying, you know: Don't Mess With Texas. Well, it has an addendum now: Don't Mess With Moms From Texas Who Have a Trach Baby.

Concerned Mother